Archive for April, 2010

Chatting with Rachel

Rachel (here) is teaching me to love myself better. She makes me feel good about myself. Even though the Flyleaf thing depressed me, about how God brought Lacey the one and I’m still all lonely, Rachel is inpsiring. She motivates me to keep trying to have faith, and to also try to enjoy myself. We both find ourselves in confusing situations. Situations that suck. But we chit chat and try to help each other out. I guess that’s what friendship is all about.

I find out more about myself through her. Like that there are plenty of people with crazy boy problems, so she makes me not feel like I’m the only one. There’s really no worse feeling I’ve ever endured than feeling isolated and left out. She tells me how she’s doing with her boyfriend, and I tell her I’m still in the market, looking for someone. And simultameously trying to trust Jesus to lead me to that… someone. It’s very frustrating, and you can’t successfully do both of those things. If He’ll find me the one, I don’t need to be looking at all. He’ll find them for me. That’s it. So I’m always frustrated and trying to determine how much loneliness I can stand while I waiting, before I just need to go and get with someone. Balancing faith and the desire to be in a relationship is difficult!

But I’m glad I’ve gotta friend to help me out.
I can’t believe it all started because she commented on my blog.. and now we’re pretty good friends. So in a huge way, this blog was a success. I can influence her life in a good way as she influences mine. And we’re trying to let Jesus lead us. It can be difficult, but it’s so important to try and let Him lead us. I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that there is nothing I can do better for myself. I think I know what’s good for me, but because Jesus knows me through and through, He knows what I need even better than I know what I need. So why not leave my life in His hands. He can find the right guy for me. I don’t doubt that. I just kinda doubt the will I have to endure being alone for much longer!

So comment, leave an email adress like Rachel. It’s a pretty cool way to become friends…

Oh.. and I drew the coolest picture of Jesus! Someone told me he wasn’t Caucasion, and I said that the picture is about symbolism. If someone sees the picture and think it’s beautiful, they’ll think Jesus is beautiful. That’s more important than technicalities. Here it is:

Jesus Christ
(Click to see actual size)
by Jennifer Clayton

So.. later peoples

God Healing My Heart, Wrote a Song, Tithing

I finally feel Jesus working in my heart. I remember for the longest time, I would pray and beg Him to help me with my problems. I tried to keep an open heart and mind and listen for anything He said. Sometimes it’s just silent. I’ve been in a lot of emotional pain… trust issues, boy issues, life/stess, everything, and I can finally feel God healing my heart. I would cry a lot because I’d be overwhelmed with stress, or I felt lonely, and He finally started helping me feel better. I talk to Him honestly and let Him know how I feel. I know this is important.. to be honest and sincere. I let Him lead me where he wants.

For example, I feel lonely a lot, so I might think of kissing someone, but most of the time, he pushes those thoughts out of my mind, and even though I get frustrated, I try to understand that he’s only looking out for me and trying to keep my from getting hurt. I trust that He cares and that He will lead me, just like He lead Lacey. Whenever I start thinking self-abusive thoughts, He blocks that kind of stuff out. I’ll let Him know if he makes me angry, and He does, but in the back of my mind I remember He’s only trying to protect me.

I’ve learned something very important.. the more time I spend with Jesus, the more love I feel, and the less of a need I feel to stress over boys.It’s very weird. Like when I want to lust and stuff.. God’s love drowns that kind of stuff out. It feels amazing! Who knew that His love could erase those kind of needs? I wish more girls and guys would focus their hearts and mind on Jesus, and then they could feel the love and not get caught up in so many relationships and so much drama. It’s good to put that stuff aside and just focus your heart on God’s. He’s got fantastic plans for all of us!

I’ve decided to work on finishing the bible a little bit later. I wrote about how I have about 100 pages left to read… but I’m putting it off until later this year. It’s not out of laziness, honestly! I’m just praying and letting Jesus heal my heart, and then I’ll work on reading. But I do try to do what He wants me to do.

I wrote a song for God the other day.. and possibly started writing some of the music for it.. I haven’t decided. But I love the song! When I work on my band, I want it to be one of the songs we play. I’m all excited! I want to be in a band that’s about worshiping the Lord. That means everything to me, and I want to spend my life worshiping.

I got a job at Chick-fil-A, and I start working next week. I really want to tithe. I went to church and they set up this plan that we would tithe so much over 3 years.. and we all wrote down how much we would give weekly, and we were supposed to be committed to doing that for 3 years. But I stopped going to church for awhile, and now that I have a real job, the first thing I want to do is pay off what I had already promised to give. After that’s done, I want to give 10% of whatever I make, regularly.

It’s important to put God first when it comes to money. And it’s hard for people, esp. in the economic crisis, but what I know is that when you put God first and take care of what you’re supposed to take care of by Him, He certainly will take care of you. You give and He will eventually give back. He could put the money to better use than I ever could. =]