Archive for October 12, 2010

Escaping All Thoughts Suicidal

In a difficult world, I somehow escape dreams of suicide.

Somedays I wake up and just cry. Funny thing about my life is, I so often find myself in some sort of emotional pain. I don’t know how I get through it without thinking about suicide. I’ve never wanted to kill myself. One time, I even wanted to be weak enough to give into it. I get so sick of life and an aggrevating mom and annoying sister that makes me want to shoot myself and everyone else, lol.

I get sick of the grey feeling I feel inside. I feel like I’ve always been prone to depression. Sometimes I wish the world as we know it would just end. I guess I always just look inside myself and hold on to whatever I find that I can hold on to. I hold on to the hope of tomorrow, the hope of things getting better. Apparently I am much more optimistic than I am sad, because my sadness never outweighs my optimism to the point where I truly am ready to give up on life.

I constantly challenge myself to stay strong. I look at everything as precious and beautiful, every child as priceless. I try to think of myself as a princess- wonderful and fabulous.

I don’t know how life seems to get me down so much. I fight loneliness, I turn to Jesus. Lately, he has been healing my heart and getting rid of the depression feeling. I just treasure everything I come in contact with. I treasure myself. I look at all pain as temporary and only meant for today, meaning that tomorrow, it will be gone and there will be a better day.

Some days ago, I went out with one of my best friends Kayla and we chased ducks at the Civic center, outside. There were a bunch of them and she wanted to take one home. I couldn’t because my mom would kill me. We chased them until it got so dark we could barely see each other. I feel like I’ve never had so much fun in my life! We tried to do it while people weren’t watching.

We walked around the track and we talked a bunch. We went to the swingset and swang for a awhile. I hadn’t done that in years, and it felt soooo good. I couldn’t stop laughing and when I went high in the sky, I kept feeling like the sky is my limit- I can do anything.

There is nothing more fun than revisiting old roots. Me and Kayla were friends in high school and kinda drifted a part a little, and now we are getting really close again. If I give up on life and decide to kill myself, I will miss moments like this. I will miss moments of laughing so hard my stomach hurt. We also went to Schlotzsky’s Deli and used coupons to eat delcious sandwiches.

I was at church the other day and I met this girl named Bradlee. We talked about our faith and how sometimes we both are surrounded by people who doubt us and bring us down. She has a bunch of atheist friends. She seemed a lot like me- she said she wanted to major in pyschology and help people with their problems, like suicidal people or abused people, because some of her friends are that way.

I admire her courage to help people in the face of adversity, I admire her willingness to reach the most lost people. That’s what I try to do- like through this blog, through freaking anything! It was sooo nice to connect to people who are so much like me.

Despite the hardhips in my life, how can I give up joys such as these? Joys like talking to my best friend everyday, as we try to point each other in the right direction in life. How can I want to give up? Life was bad, and then it took an immediate turn towards good when I applied my skills in life and listened to Jesus. Now everything is starting to go right.

Life is too precious to throw away. Even ten bad days followed by a couple good days makes it all worthwhile. There is too much joy to waste. Find the things that make you feel peaceful and special in life, and things that make you feel closer to God. Reflect on how things are going, sincerely pray for yourself and others.

What brings me most joy is doing things I love, like exercise, reading, writing, eating, going out with friends, playing music/singing, posting on here, lol. I find constant inspiration in everything.

I hate my circumstances but I love life in general.
I hate this specific place but I love the world.
I hate complete loneliness but I love internal reflection.
I hate hardships but I love the good character I gain from it.
I hate the way some people act. But I. love. me.

Take time to love yourself, to stare at a sunset, to spend time doing what is best for you. 🙂