Archive for February 17, 2011

Bittersweet Victory

Sometimes I’m scared. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have any idea what I am doing. I am confused and angry and feel left behind. I try to keep it together, but sometimes I feel like I am falling apart.

I love God, I work very hard for him. I write songs, I give, I talk to people about God,I pray, I read the bible and try to apply it to my life. But God frustrates me so much sometimes. I guess that’s natural for every follower at some point.

Following him used to be a lot simpler, a lot less intense, a lot less volatile. But some days, I just want to give up. I feel like I am working for no reason. I work so endlessly hard to feel like I am getting nowhere. Lately, I find myself either excited for him or enveloped in bitterness and anger and frustration.

I don’t want to feel angry, but I can’t help it when I feel ignored. However, I know that difficult trials with God help make our faith stronger (providing that they don’t destroy us.)

“My friends, do not be surprised at the terrible trouble which now comes to test you. Do not think that something strange is happening to you. But be happy that you are sharing in Christ’s sufferings so that you will be happy and full of joy when Christ comes again in glory. When people insult you because you follow Christ, you are blessed, because the glorious Spirit, the Spirit of God, is with you.” 1 Peter 4:12-14

“These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold, which can be proved to be pure by fire but will ruin. But the purity of your faith will bring you praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is shown to you.” 1 Peter 1:7

He keeps putting me in positions where I can’t do anything unless he does something, and it’s so scary it’s making me crazy. I feel like I can’t trust someone this much. I wish I could really realize that I don’t always have to be strong. I have a very tough shell, and feel the need to always be strong; I feel I need to be perfect and can’t show weakness. I hate admitting it, but God is glorified in our weakness.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

I have always had a hard time trusting people; they always seem to screw me over, and then leave me. I don’t like trusting God when I’m terrified that he won’t be there.

I don’t give up, ever, but I feel exhausted sometimes. I hate that I have so many insecurities, but I face every day head strong. I told God I’d travel to the ends of the earth for him, even if it means suffering. Very bittersweet victory!