Some good stuff to check out:
A poem I wrote, just about healing, despite the pain of Lacey. I felt like crap, but I’m starting to heal.
I love writing poetry about healing.
Have you ever felt like a flower
Wilting and rotting
No nutrients in your soul
To help you grow
Where is the sunlight?
Sitting in darkness
Being crushed beneath the weight
But no one knows
But then there is the sound of rain
Pat, pat, patting on my head
And I feel so strong
Though I felt so dead
Broken heart and broken dreams
But I’ve learned to fly, despite broken wings
But I’ve learned to fight, despite growing weak
I’ve learned to smile, despite being taught to weep
In my dreams, I have a home somewhere
Somewhere in the garden, with the other beautiful flowers
No need to feel like a coward
And hide; I know I belong this time
I know I belong this time
Just reflecting on my healing process. Read post below this to find out more. God bless you all. xxx Jennifer Clayton
I know Jesus thinks I’m very special; I know I am very dear to me. Lacey is very inspiring and she helps a lot of people with her music, she helps their hearts to heal by telling them about Jesus. It’s beautiful, but to me, it’s also sad. That stuff is not the sad part.
I feel in love with this man who was married, and he really broke my heart. It was a very painful thing; I couldn’t even go to my old church anymore because of the pain he caused, and I always saw him at church. I didn’t start much drama, I pretty much just left. I prayed to God to take away the pain, but he didn’t. Sometimes we want him to help us and he doesn’t at that moment in time- however, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love us.
Anyway. I would cry all the time and try to do things to get him off my mind- exercise, pray, read the bible, get out the house- anything. But the pain wouldn’t just go away. Soon after, a friend told me Lacey was married. The story of how it happened- she said she trusted God and he said he’d find her a husband- it breaks my heart. I know my heart is in the right place because I have always trusted God. I just never understood how he can sometimes ignore some peoples pain and not ignore others. So my heart was broken again because of this story.
Don’t get me wrong- I am super happy for her, but that just totally killed my spirit. It made my emotions worse and I felt like I couldn’t listen to Flyleaf’s music for awhile anymore- because their is so much pain where I felt so much love.
However, I don’t plan on giving them up. Despite this complicated, hected, crazy freakin’ mess I’m in, they are one of my favorite bands; they love Jesus to death, and so do I, and I can’t ignore them because of this. I feel like this is just a trial of life; it’s not totally the end. It’s never totally the end, so I never give up hope.
I still dream of playing music, singing, being on stage, spreading Jesus’s message- but this is just an obsticale. A little block in my path. But I know that I will move on. I know I will be married one day with kids and a husband and friends. Just writing this- it is very painful, but very healing- it gets my feelings out and I feel much, much better.
I won’t trash them. They have incredibly good music and really good hearts. I mainly wrote this post because the majority of my people who visit are Flyleaf fans, so I thought they should see some.. Flyleaf stuff, lol. This thing happening to me has been going on for a few months.. but even though I didn’t feel Jesus with me at first, I feel him with me now. It’s quite amazing actually; where I used to abuse myself for how bad I felt, now that he’s right here with me, he won’t let me abuse myself. He won’t let me think bad things about my future marriage and won’t let me think hurtful thoughts. The man who broke my heart- Jesus has really taken away that pain. I don’t even love that man anymore; don’t want his family, I’m not mad at his wife.
Jesus is really making life bearable right now. Even though he wasn’t healing me when my pain first started, he is definately healing me now, and that’s why I never give up hope in him. Every time I feel like crying because of Lacey or every time I actually cry, I feel him right by my side. He’s trying so hard to let me know I am special and beautiful and I will feel joy like she felt. I’m not worthless, never been. I feel more and more beautiful everyday for being just who I am.
I haven’t drawn pictures of the band for awhile because of this painful circumstance, but I’m sure I will again. They are just too good to give up. Anybody feel that way? I listened to them before I got saved and they carried me through the healing process while I was saved and Jesus was changing me- and I’ve loved them since.
But I’m praying God will take care of me. God bless you all, and even though they’ve hurt me right now- may they help you in your many trials in life. They’re amazing, God’s amazing. And heck, after writing this, I feel amazing. 🙂
Rachel (here) is teaching me to love myself better. She makes me feel good about myself. Even though the Flyleaf thing depressed me, about how God brought Lacey the one and I’m still all lonely, Rachel is inpsiring. She motivates me to keep trying to have faith, and to also try to enjoy myself. We both find ourselves in confusing situations. Situations that suck. But we chit chat and try to help each other out. I guess that’s what friendship is all about.
I find out more about myself through her. Like that there are plenty of people with crazy boy problems, so she makes me not feel like I’m the only one. There’s really no worse feeling I’ve ever endured than feeling isolated and left out. She tells me how she’s doing with her boyfriend, and I tell her I’m still in the market, looking for someone. And simultameously trying to trust Jesus to lead me to that… someone. It’s very frustrating, and you can’t successfully do both of those things. If He’ll find me the one, I don’t need to be looking at all. He’ll find them for me. That’s it. So I’m always frustrated and trying to determine how much loneliness I can stand while I waiting, before I just need to go and get with someone. Balancing faith and the desire to be in a relationship is difficult!
But I’m glad I’ve gotta friend to help me out.
I can’t believe it all started because she commented on my blog.. and now we’re pretty good friends. So in a huge way, this blog was a success. I can influence her life in a good way as she influences mine. And we’re trying to let Jesus lead us. It can be difficult, but it’s so important to try and let Him lead us. I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that there is nothing I can do better for myself. I think I know what’s good for me, but because Jesus knows me through and through, He knows what I need even better than I know what I need. So why not leave my life in His hands. He can find the right guy for me. I don’t doubt that. I just kinda doubt the will I have to endure being alone for much longer!
So comment, leave an email adress like Rachel. It’s a pretty cool way to become friends…
Oh.. and I drew the coolest picture of Jesus! Someone told me he wasn’t Caucasion, and I said that the picture is about symbolism. If someone sees the picture and think it’s beautiful, they’ll think Jesus is beautiful. That’s more important than technicalities. Here it is:
So.. later peoples
A poem/song I wrote titled
This girl in my heart
Saving me sometimes
I see her smile
And I feel that I’m alright, always alright
Even when I’m not,
I will be just fine
Even when I’m hurting awfully
I will be okay
I’m not giving up
I’m not giving in
A powerful force in my heart is
Driving me up finally,
Instead of something always
Driving me down
I’m so used to the downward one
Lacey, give me something good
I feel a powerful force
A smile inside
Shining brightly like hopes in my heart
You let me know I always matter to you
We always matter to you
And I smile
Spinning in hope
Love runs in circles sometimes
Full of this hope
Love is spinning, spinning
Knocking me face down
Fell to the ground
Praise your God
I mean, praise mine
We are all fine, we are all fine
Your powerful force
Let’s me know that
I am alright, alright
You are not perfect, but hell yeah, you are
Hell yeah, you are
We know, we know
You can’t handle everything at once
You could never handle it all
Won’t you grow, keep growing
Keep shifting and growing in hope
Growing in spirit
Walking ever closer to your God
I mean our God, to our God
You’re like the greatest wind
Knocking me over
Down to my knees to praise a glorious face
Of a glorious God
See, you are not perfect
But hell yeah, you will always be
You are our hope
Through exemplifying your abscence of hope
And then your revival of it
Yeah, then your birth of it
In Jesus Christ
You know who you aspire to be
And I know you well inside
‘Cause I fill you grasping hold of my heart
Filling it up with hope and wonderfully glorius dreams
And tipping it over in worship
Never stop changing the world
Full of fustration
It’s full of fustration
I cannot come down from this ceiling
Your song is lifting me up,
Your story lifting me up
Keep worshiping your-
I mean our God-
He does love us all
With the same infinite love after all,
Well, doesn’t he?
Keep tipping me over in my heart with worship
Let this song spilling over inside
Pour onto this ground that’s my mind
You are perfected in spirit
In every way I could ever dare to dream of
Lacey Mosley is the awesome singer of the band Flyleaf. She is amazing and she loves Jesus truly, I can easily tell. Flyleaf is definately one of my favorite bands, and this is a poem/song I wrote about how her loving Jesus so amazingly makes me love her and love Jesus amazingly.
Actually, Lacey is married now. Can you guess to whom? Her new last name? 🙂 Haha, good luck. You should read the story about it. It’s related to their song “Treasure”.
Also, I will be doing podcasts soon. I’m currently trying to figure out how to make them play on this site, lol. God loves you all very much. Later!
Memento Mori from Rachel
I sent an email to a girl who commented on my blog, who said she would buy me the new Flyleaf CD, Memento Mori. She said she felt compelled to do it. She got me the extended version, and there’s like 19 songs on it. I was so surprised when I looked in the mail and saw her blue package. We’ve continued to talk, and the CD is AWESOME!! I really appreciate what she did, and without her asking me, I said I would draw her something since I love to draw and because I was blown away by her kindness. I’ve been having a really hard time because I want to be in a relationship with the person I am going to marry, and I just don’t want to waste time. I trust God as much as I can, and I expect him to bring me that someone.
He has brought my friend the one who is right for her, and at least a couple of my other friends are already engaged. I’ve sat through a couple weddings feeling this desperate, and I hear about how much fun my friends are having, and it sucks, but I trust God. Rachel, the girl who sent me the CD, told me about the song ‘Treasure’, which is about Lacey praying to God for help with relationships. God told her to go to sleep for awhile and that he would pick her out a husband. One day he told her it was time, and now she’s married and really happy.. I can barely talk about it because I feel so left out of the huge circle of love and relationships. I love Flyleaf to death, but I hate to admit it: this is just really, really hard.
Anyhoo, the moral is to pray to God and trust that he will bring you that special one. I trust, even when I’m in pain. It takes courage but at least I know he has my best interest in mind! A good thing is when I listened to the CD, it actually wasn’t painful like I thought it might be, I just had to skip the song Treasure for right now. But SUPPORT THE BAND AND BUY THE CD! I’m sure they would appreciate it. Rachel said she believes God uses the CD to reach her, and that it has changed her life. She was in pain because of relationships and the music has really uplifted her and she listens to it a lot. I know Flyleaf will kick butt and reach the hearts of people and uplift them with the name of Jesus. Who knows? Maybe in time, I will be able to listen to the song and it will uplift me. Their site is here! Rachel’s blog is here and go check it out. It talks about how her relationships have gone bad and how God is changing her life. 🙂
Attempting to Finish the Bible
I’d like to bring up the time God put it in my heart to finish the bible. He didn’t say anything, but he just kind of let me know that I should. I remember looking at my bible when this happened. I can always distinctly tell if something is truly from God. I had already read over half of it when he let me know, and I have read a lot since then.
I try really hard to understand the big picture- what it is he really wants me to gain from reading the bible, what it is he really wants me to know. It is so easy to get caught up in the rules and not even understand the reason behind them. Basically, I’m trying not to get caught up in smaller things (though they are still important) and just really get an idea of what God’s heart is like. His heart is basically the bible, and I want to understand some of his heart. It is so freakin’ huge!! If I can get a glimpse at his heart, I can start to understand what he really wants me to do and how he really wants me to live. If I focus too much on things that are not as important, I may miss what it is that he really wants me to know, and miss what he is all about.
I’ve got about 100 pages left out of the 861! Woohoo! I don’t read every single day, but I like to read at least a few times a week. It is important to spend a lot of time reading the word, trying to understand it, and then trying to apply it. Good luck with it!
I finally started writing my book of poetry I wanted to write. It has to do with how I felt before I accepted Jesus Christ and how I felt afterwards, so there’s poetry from before and after. It’s very sad because of how I felt, but very uplifting because it talks about how he took care of all the pain (which is another reason I trust him with relationships, even though I’ve been in so much pain for awhile). It will include a lot of the art I have drawn over the years, and I added a page on this blog that displays some of that art. It is here. It will talk about evangelism and how I’ve been moving to spread the word about God. Writing it can sometimes be difficult because I get busy with school and stuff, but I try to make time for what is most important to me. My mom is a self-published author and said she would help me if I wanted to write a book. I’m super excited!!
I made Christmas cards for some of my friends, and it took all afternoon and all evening to complete 7 of them. I show my friends that I care this way… it’s also on my art page. My friend Cynthia gave me a gift she said not to open until Christmas, and I’m going to make her and some other friends some really neat art for Christmas, so I’ll be super busy today!