Archive for Peace

Fear and Faith Co-exist

“And though it seems impossible that fear and faith can dwell in the same vessel at the same time and take up the same space, they co-exist all the time. They must. It is not faith on my part at all if I don’t choose to believe in the midst of ear and uncertainty… I think we have gotten the idea of ‘faith’ all wrong. Faith does not mean the absence of fear. Faith actually means choosing to trust in the midst of fear. It is admitting your fear and forging ahead toward an uncertain outcome, believing all the while that things will turn out right. God brings peace in the moment of panic seemingly out of nowhere- out of a dark and quiet corner of your heart you have not heard from in awhile. But right there, just in time, when you need it most, while the sky is falling and the bills keep coming and dark clouds keep gathering, peace comes. Faith wins out. Fear may not go away, but it is trumped by faith in the God who loves you and cares for your every need.” From Clayton King’s Dying to Live

I love reading his book. He is so right, 100%. Faith isn’t only trusting God when it’s convenient, when it’s easy for you. A lot of people wonder why God doesn’t seem to be there for them, and some want so much proof before they really believe in him. There is a huge disconnect between that person’s heart and God’s heart and his wonderful grace. That disconnect is not having enough faith.

People have to learn to trust God, even when it’s difficult, even when they aren’t exactly sure how things will turn out. All they have to be sure of is that God loves them and wants to take care of them, and be convinced that he will lead them to the right place at the right time. Faith in Christ is trusting him, even when you can’t see him, even when you don’t know exactly where he is taking you in life; just recognize that where he is taking you is for your ultimate good.

“These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold, which can be proved to be pure by fire but will ruin. But the purity of your faith will bring you praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is shown to you. You have not seen Christ, but still you love him. You cannot see him now, but you believe in him. So you are filled with a joy that cannot be explained, a joy full of glory. And you are receiving the goal of your faithโ€”the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:7-9

At the time when I accepted Christ, I had to trust him where I had once tried to trust myself and had failed. I soon realized that his strength was better than my strength, and that he could take care of me better than anyone else could take care of me. It was scary, I wasn’t sure how things would turn out if I gave him complete control over my life, but I gave it a try. It seemed to be my only chance, my only hope for survival.

I was terrified that I would still feel alone, that all my pain would be the same, that I wouldn’t change internally. But God lead me to peace in the midst of all my fear. He healed me, he taught me, he gave me courage and love in the place of emptiness and hurt.

Even now in my walk with Christ, I trust him, even when I have constant fears. I fear I will lose my old friends now that I am in college, I am afraid that the next boy who breaks my heart will make me call it quits for good, that family stress will build up so much I will want to shoot myself (or at least everyone around me!) I’m terrified of being alone, of others who have love, of my emotions being completely out of whack and me crying all the time, that my anxiety might go up.

But I am trusting Christ. So often when I feel like I am about to lose it, I find something beautiful in Christ that I had not really noticed before, and that gives me strength and courage to face another day, to trust God more. The saying goes, “every cloud has a silver lining.” In the midst of panic and uncertainty, that silver lining is a quiet, yet strong peace in Christ, that begins to gush out and rush through my body and soul. But I have to trust him to experience it.

Folks! You have to jump before he can catch you, be willing to fall so that he can life you up. You have to have faith in the midst of fear, so that he can lead you and guide you to the right place, at the right time.

I quote him again:

“And though it seems impossible that fear and faith can dwell in the same vessel at the same time and take up the same space, they co-exist all the time. They must. It is not faith on my part at all if I don’t choose to believe in the midst of ear and uncertainty” Dying to Live

Go buy this book, it is a great book, and I feel stronger and closer to God because of it. Here!

In the Midst of the Pain, I Grow

Following Jesus is hard. I constantly put aside what I want to try to please him. I find myself falling over in his love, wondering if I can pray harder, run faster, say more, draw more, write more to tell about Jesus. I feel myself immersed in his message, pulling my hair out to share about his good news, even when I’m tired. Constantly tired, defeated, but I push on.

Lately, I feel like my heart has been kind of on the rocks. I love God with all my heart, but he has been silent with me for so long, I desperately want him to talk to me, because I’ve been in a lot of pain. I want him to explain why Lacey Mosley gets married or my friend hears God speak to him or why everyone seems to be on their way, following the path God leads them to, and why I feel left behind.

I ask God every day why I feel empty, unloved, left out. He doesn’t respond. I cry and my heart breaks, and he doesn’t make a peep. I know he loves me, but I don’t understand why I am in so much pain. I look back: what sin had I committed? Where did I go wrong? Why is Perry Noble or my friends so much more special than me? Why will he help them with problems that seem so tiny, while I have problems that honestly make me want to shoot myself?

I hate to admit it, because I want God to actually talk to me like he has done in the past, but I hate admitting that even when he will not please me by talking this way, he is in in actuality talking to me all the time. He speaks to all of us all the time. How? He speaks through his word- through the bible.

I admit, it seems soooo unfair. Why do other people get the easy way out, when I have to dig deep to find the meaning myself, do the research? How can I handle doing so when my heart is in pieces, when it’s so hard to focus without bursting into tears because of my emptiness? I don’t know. I find myself constantly frustrated and furious with God because of this. But when I force myself through the pain, and read my book of quotes from the bible, it helps to heal my heart a lot. I’ll be hating how God is treating me, and I’ll look up something about being depressed and find:

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross rivers, you will not drown. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned, nor will the flames hurt you.” Isaiah 43:2

“His anger lasts only a moment, but his kindness lasts for a lifetime. Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

“My friends, do not be surprised at the terrible trouble which now comes to test you. Do not think that something strange is happening to you. But be happy that you are sharing in Christ’s sufferings so that you will be happy and full of joy when Christ comes again in glory.” 1 Peter 4:12-13

“I will give them a crown to replace their ashes, and the oil of gladness to replace their sorrow, and clothes of praise to replace their spirit of sadness. Then they will be called Trees of Goodness, trees planted by the Lord to show his greatness.” Isaiah 61:3

And each time I read these little sections, I find myself uncovering pieces of God’s heart.

My heart bomb about to explode with anger gets defused little by little. It seems so freakin’ impossible, when all I want to do is hurt God like he has watched me get hurt. But each time I read, his spirit of peace is like weights on my soul- holding me down and grounding me in his outstanding love again. It’s like when I read, I see the true face of God. I feel I can dig myself out of all my impossible holes I dig myself in. Even holes I get stuck in that I have not dug for myself.

A characteristic of my suffering heart lately is that I feel so fragile and that I am certainly about to break at any moment. But somehow when I am floating aimlessly in a sea of confusion, these words anchor my soul:

“God will strengthen you with his own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient. And you will joyfully give thanks to the Father who has made you able to have a share in all that he has prepared for his people in the kingdom of light.” Colossians 1:11-12

“He gives strength to those who are tired and more power to those who are weak. Even children become tired and need to rest, and young people trip and fall. But the people who trust the Lord will become strong again. They will rise up as an eagle in the sky; they will run and not need rest; they will walk and not become tired.” Isaiah 40:29-31

“I will not leave you all alone like orphans; I will come back to you.” John 14:18

“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“If my father and mother leave me, the Lord will take me in.” Psalm 27:10

This love anchors my soul, and I find myself waking up on God’s boat, knowing I am traveling in the right direction. I was lost at sea, and this truth and his unbelievably glorious and strong heart pulls me in.

A lot of times, I used to feel like it was crap that the bible could heal your broken heart. But when I’m in so much pain that any sane person would consider it too much and kill themselves to get out of it, I trust in the Lord, and just as I think he is about to let me die, he pulls me in and brings me back to life. When I feel like I am absolutely without a shadow of a doubt breathing my last, he breathes life into me.

The Lord is mysterious in this way. You always expect him to be there for you, but not quite in the way you had in mind. The same way bandages cover up cuts and bruises, his words take the sting out of the unending pain, and I can make it through another day. I get so freakin’ furious that I can’t be like everyone else, even to the point that I wanted to strangle him. But I pull tight to his grace, and wrap myself in humility, and take on this challenge to be different in the Lord.

The bible heals and challenges you and helps to strech and grow you. It reveals the very character of God. Take time to read it for maybe 10 or 20 minutes every morning. Pray that the Lord will reveal his heart to you, and show you what he wants you to see through reading. If you are in a lot of pain, look for sections that talk about healing. There is always something to find.

I’m praying for all you guys. God bless you all! ๐Ÿ™‚

*The bible quotes books I’m reading: GOD’S PROMISES for every day

Faith, *Poetry Corner- “Despite a Circumstance”

Despite a Circumstance

Sometimes I look out my window
And I still cry
For the times that I’m alone
I still ache and sting and burn
Like touching a stove
For the love in my heart has been neglected
Seems that no ones wants to share in its beauty
And I lay my head down on my pillow and cry

And each salty tear runs down my cheek
And I just want to close my eyes
And cease to exist
But what’s the point of thinking that?
I still love being alive
Not having a boyfriend, not being married
I still love being alive
Even when my sister gives me hell
I still love being alive
When I stop feeling God so near
Somewhere, deep inside, I still know he’s here
I still like smiling
Despite the million times I’ve cried
I still like living
Despite the million times I’ve died
I still like dreaming
Despite the million times I’ve been forced
Into a harsh reality
I still love who I am
Despite what people think of me

And I know that even God in heaven
Looks at my tears
And sees the hope I have of tomorrow
The hope he has given me
Because when I am alone, staring out my window
Or head burried down in my pillow
I feel beautiful from the
Inside out
Because God lets me feel more
Beauty than I have pain
And what is a friend
Who would let me feel sorrow in vain?
He is a fountain of love
I drink from again and again
And again


Somedays I roll out of bed and feel like I could just die. I don’t know why my life is made like this. Why sometimes, I am the happiest person in the world, and other times, I just don’t know what to do with myself except rot in a corner. Sometimes I feel so elated, sometimes, I feel so down I dream of cutting myself… but I know Christ is near because when I think those thoughts, he pushes them away and refuses to let me think them. So some inspiration:

“But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction.” Job 36:15

“Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. The arrogant mock me without restraint, but I do not turn from your law.” Psalm 119:49-51

“He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.'” Mark 5:34

Somedays, I wake up thinking this has got to be the last day I can stomach, I can’t have any more hope in this pathetic life. But it is amazing how just a little light outshines all the darkness. Just by holding on one more day, and continuing this pattern day after day, I see myself getting better, being happier, feeling like a more whole person.

Sometimes, it seems like life is ripped from right underneath me and all I want to do is die in peace. But I have always had an eternal flame of light in my heart, outshining all my bitter darkness, that keeps me pressing hard into tomorrow. I know it will be okay, even if it’s not.

With Christ, I get to live above my circumstances. I can be treated harshly, yelled at, cursed at, hate everything about this world, and still feel a sense of peace in my spirit. It is the peace of Jesus himself, for he is the Prince of Peace. There is nothing like finding peace in the most difficult of places. And that is why I trust in him- because I hunger, just like everyone else- for that peace.

Let go of your worries, breathe, and trust in him.

What’s the Point of Christ?

This blog is mainly about Jesus. Clearly. Hence the name. But why? Why do I decide to put such an emphasis on him? Well, as he says in the bible:

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

Basically, he’s saying that no one can get to heaven and be with God the Father except for by believing in him. They have to have faith in him, believing that he died on the cross to pay for all our sins once and for all, and that he rose from the grave 3 days later.

They have to acknowledge that they are sinful and can be forgiven by Jesus, if they ask for it. They need to proclaim it with their hearts and their mouths that Jesus is Lord:

“That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” Romans 10:8-10

Remember it is about a change in the heart. A prayer alone cannot save you, but only if you truly believe in your heart will you be saved. But if you do this, you will be saved. You must take the leap of faith and begin to trust Jesus. Trust that he will catch you when you fall, when you make mistakes.

Some people act like there are many ways to get to God, but I only know one. Through Christ himself. We were separated from God because of our sins, because of what Adam and Eve had did in the garden, that lead to the downfall of everyone.

And because God is just and perfect and we are not because of sin, we truly deserve only to go to hell. But by God sending his only son, Jesus Christ, to the world, he gave us a chance to get to heaven.

Christ lived a perfect life, obeying all of God’s laws, and then he was crucified, carrying all our sins with him to the cross, and he died a perfect death. His rising three days later showed that he had defeated death, and thus, defeated sin in us.

This means by believing in Jesus, he forgives our sins, and our slate is whiped clean, and because Jesus gives us a clean slate, we are allowed to get into heaven. But we have to believe in our hearts that he died for us and rescued us from our sinful selves.

“Because of his love, God had already decided to make us his own children through Jesus Christ. That was what he wanted and what pleased him, and it brings praise to God because of his wonderful grace. God gave that grace to us freely, in Christ, the One he loves. In Christ we are set free by the blood of his death, and so we have forgiveness of sins. How rich is God’s grace,” Ephesians 1:5-7

He became our sacrifice to God, so we can get into heaven. And my life was jacked up before I knew him. Everything was going south, nothing made sense. I literally have never felt so much peace than when I am in Christ as opposed to being in the world. Millions of dollars could not match the peace I have found. I would choose to die for him on the spot than to have a materialistic life without him.

He healed my broken heart and satisfied me. He gave me peace in the place of ceasless worry. He was a friend, holding out a hand to help lift me up, as opposed to people in the world who conversely only ever pushed me down. He did not care about all the crap I did, he just wanted to love me, so he did. And I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for that, for a friend like him.

“You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your care you watched over my life.” Job 10:12

But there is only one way to get to God, through Christ alone. Any other way won’t get you into heaven. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the facts. Anyone could try to argue this, but I will never argue with the peace I have found and the loving relationship I have gained in the name of Christ.

That, my friends, is what this blog is all about. ๐Ÿ™‚

Escaping All Thoughts Suicidal

In a difficult world, I somehow escape dreams of suicide.

Somedays I wake up and just cry. Funny thing about my life is, I so often find myself in some sort of emotional pain. I don’t know how I get through it without thinking about suicide. I’ve never wanted to kill myself. One time, I even wanted to be weak enough to give into it. I get so sick of life and an aggrevating mom and annoying sister that makes me want to shoot myself and everyone else, lol.

I get sick of the grey feeling I feel inside. I feel like I’ve always been prone to depression. Sometimes I wish the world as we know it would just end. I guess I always just look inside myself and hold on to whatever I find that I can hold on to. I hold on to the hope of tomorrow, the hope of things getting better. Apparently I am much more optimistic than I am sad, because my sadness never outweighs my optimism to the point where I truly am ready to give up on life.

I constantly challenge myself to stay strong. I look at everything as precious and beautiful, every child as priceless. I try to think of myself as a princess- wonderful and fabulous.

I don’t know how life seems to get me down so much. I fight loneliness, I turn to Jesus. Lately, he has been healing my heart and getting rid of the depression feeling. I just treasure everything I come in contact with. I treasure myself. I look at all pain as temporary and only meant for today, meaning that tomorrow, it will be gone and there will be a better day.

Some days ago, I went out with one of my best friends Kayla and we chased ducks at the Civic center, outside. There were a bunch of them and she wanted to take one home. I couldn’t because my mom would kill me. We chased them until it got so dark we could barely see each other. I feel like I’ve never had so much fun in my life! We tried to do it while people weren’t watching.

We walked around the track and we talked a bunch. We went to the swingset and swang for a awhile. I hadn’t done that in years, and it felt soooo good. I couldn’t stop laughing and when I went high in the sky, I kept feeling like the sky is my limit- I can do anything.

There is nothing more fun than revisiting old roots. Me and Kayla were friends in high school and kinda drifted a part a little, and now we are getting really close again. If I give up on life and decide to kill myself, I will miss moments like this. I will miss moments of laughing so hard my stomach hurt. We also went to Schlotzsky’s Deli and used coupons to eat delcious sandwiches.

I was at church the other day and I met this girl named Bradlee. We talked about our faith and how sometimes we both are surrounded by people who doubt us and bring us down. She has a bunch of atheist friends. She seemed a lot like me- she said she wanted to major in pyschology and help people with their problems, like suicidal people or abused people, because some of her friends are that way.

I admire her courage to help people in the face of adversity, I admire her willingness to reach the most lost people. That’s what I try to do- like through this blog, through freaking anything! It was sooo nice to connect to people who are so much like me.

Despite the hardhips in my life, how can I give up joys such as these? Joys like talking to my best friend everyday, as we try to point each other in the right direction in life. How can I want to give up? Life was bad, and then it took an immediate turn towards good when I applied my skills in life and listened to Jesus. Now everything is starting to go right.

Life is too precious to throw away. Even ten bad days followed by a couple good days makes it all worthwhile. There is too much joy to waste. Find the things that make you feel peaceful and special in life, and things that make you feel closer to God. Reflect on how things are going, sincerely pray for yourself and others.

What brings me most joy is doing things I love, like exercise, reading, writing, eating, going out with friends, playing music/singing, posting on here, lol. I find constant inspiration in everything.

I hate my circumstances but I love life in general.
I hate this specific place but I love the world.
I hate complete loneliness but I love internal reflection.
I hate hardships but I love the good character I gain from it.
I hate the way some people act. But I. love. me.

Take time to love yourself, to stare at a sunset, to spend time doing what is best for you. ๐Ÿ™‚