Archive for Trust

God’s Calling for Our Lives

Sometimes, I feel afraid to live out my dreams. Everyone in this world that you run into, has an effect on you, whether you realize it or not. The people I am surrounded by make me feel so small, like I don’t even matter. I’ve always felt sincerely inadequate at some time in my life.

Loving God gives me purpose in life, but it doesn’t eliminate my feeling of alienation and inadequacy. I am trying to learn to be careful. This world can be very heartless and it will be quick to try to shut you up when you start talking about dreams.

People, left and right, will make you feel like your dreams and life are stupid because of what you want to do. I feel terrified everyday because I want to be on stage, playing music, worshipping God. Like a rockstar but I don’t have to be famous at all. I simply want to be on stage, worshipping God through the music I write.

People will tell me I can’t make money from that, or tell me I need a real job, but that’s what I want to do. Then later in life, when I’m a lot older, I feel called to preach. I am sure when I start really pursuing that, people will make me feel like my dreams are stupid at some point.

It also depends on who you surround yourself with. If you have loving, supportive friends, they will tell you to go on with your dreams. But there always seems to be some ‘realist’ who claims these dreams are unrealistic and unattainable.

I have sat in classrooms year after year trying to wrap my head around my dreams. I no doubt feel God nudging me in this direction, which is always important in deciding your goals in life.

But I feel so terrified sometimes that I try to imagine myself doing anything else: teaching in a school, working at a desk job, being a waitress, a nurse, fireman, vet, chef, anything else. But year after year, I turn back to music. Nothing else feels right besides singing and worshipping God right now. When I write music, I feel my happiest. There isn’t anything more satisfying than finishing a song and singing to Jesus.

Other people may act like writing music is so difficult, but it has always come so naturally to me. I hear rhythms and melodies in my head, I hear guitars playing, and I write them down. Poetic verses flow out effortlessly, and then I pick up my guitar and start creating music.

It’s healing for my soul, it’s freedom from this box called my life. I just want to scream how happy it makes me. Music and God, God and music. I write songs left and write, post them on YouTube, desperately try to find somewhere to play or a band to play with.

I say all of that to say this. In life, God will definitely call us to do certain things. They are not always what we expect. One time, when my mom was younger, she heard God told her that she was supposed to work with children, and she was like, “Ugh, I hate children!” I hope she doesn’t still feel the same way, seeing how I am… her child. I am guessing she was pretty young at the time, like me. But sometimes, God calls us to do things that we are naturally gifted at, like music, for me.

The point is, in this crazy mixed-up life, he will call us to do things that we love and things that we don’t really care for. But he has a reason for wanting us to do those things. Most of the time, we don’t understand why he wants what he want for us, at least not at the time. Over time, if we trust him and do what he asks us to do, it will be revealed to us. He will teach you things you never knew before, show you how to look at life from a different from perspective.

I have a friend named Meg who was working on pursuing architecture in school. But she felt God was wanting her to do something in English, instead. She told me that at first it was really odd, but the more she looked into it, the more she realized it made sense and how English was for her. If she just ignored his voice, she could have missed out on something fabulous. It’s interesting how people will resist God over and over and when they finally decide to listen to him, he *gasp* actually knew what he was talking about! Imagine that. 😀

I find it shocking that after my mom rejected her calling so many years ago, even today, she will sometimes talk about the idea of children’s books. She always wants me to pursue that because of my artistic skills, but she may have actually been writing those books her self if she would have listened.

The point is, when we listen to God, it feels like a huge risk, but it is the greatest investment you can ever make. I am learning in my walk with Christ that trust is so vital. He will take us to new levels and give us new and better understanding. He will help us live our lives to the fullest if we would only trust and obey him. We’ve got to stop making doing what we want the number one priority, and start making what he wants us to do number one.

He can make us happier than we can make ourselves. He created us, and understands us through and through; our every mechanism, our every heart beat, our every thought and our every feeling. He understands why we do everything that we do, better than we do. So why not trust him? We may only see one path on this map of our life, but he sees all the paths. And guess what? I can assure you that he knows how to get to every destination along the way.

At the end of the day, we cannot be bullied out of his plans for us by what the world says. They will say we are wrong, we are inadequate, and make us feel like failures if we let them. If we hold tight to Jesus and continue to have faith, we will see the beautiful reality of all his plans for us. The world wants to try to take that away from you. We cannot let our own arrogance or the arrogance of others get the best of us.

God is waiting for you to trust him.

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Depression part 1- Difficulties in Life are Not Always our Fault

I struggle with depression a lot. I become really withdrawn and closed off from the world. But still, I find hope in God. When the world is grey through my eyes, he is a ray of sunshine that comes through; when there are clouds, he is my silver lining.

I have to admit that even with Jesus, life beats me down and breaks me. I am thrown in all kinds of situations where I am pushed to give up hope. But even with the sadness, I try to carry myself in a spirit of hope and joy.

Jesus lived this way. I can imagine that it was incredibly difficult to face a world of persecution and hate, by those who are closest to you. Hard to deal with having your life threatened over and over, for what you believe in. But he had a hope about him; a strength and love in him that helped him persevere when times got difficult. Where does one gain such internal strength to face each and every day, despite opposition? That strength comes from the love of God.

“But, Lord, you are my shield, my wonderful God who gives me courage.” Psalm 3:3

“He protects those who are loyal to him, but evil people will be silenced in darkness. Power is not the key to success.” 1 Samuel 2:9

“The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you.” Zephaniah 3:17

When we trust in God and hold tight to our faith, he is our protection and strength. That doesn’t mean life won’t get difficult, it doesn’t meant that we won’t get confused or not understand some of the odd things he does, or doesn’t do. But in trusting in him, we begin to stop trusting in the world. This means that when there is chaos in the world, we still have a sense of purpose and mission and hope in life.

I struggle with loneliness, with severe OCD, with lust, with anger and bitterness, and all of these things cause me depression. When I feel ignored and empty, I get severely depressed. At extreme points, I will think about suicide a little. But a hope for something better never fails to push such horrible thoughts away. The love in my heart reminds me that I am living for something bigger and far more wonderful than myself, and I realize that I truly have no right to take my own life away.

I am teaching myself to deal with this as I am trying to teach you to deal with it. I have to remind myself that sometimes, there are circumstances in this life that I cannot control, that are out of my hands, and I have to tell myself not to blame myself.

When something bad happens to my family, I may beat myself up about it, and I shouldn’t. When someone makes life really difficult for me or I feel like I never get anything I want, I am tempted to say that it’s because I’m not good enough, I must have did something bad and God is punishing me for it, he hates me, and so forth. But bad things don’t always happen and make us depressed necessarily because we did anything wrong.

Take Job in the bible, for example. He was a faithful man of God, and he walked with God. His life reflected his faith, and it pleased God. But Satan went to God and said that the only reason Job was faithful was because God had blessed him. If God took away these blessings, Job wouldn’t be faithful to him anymore. So the Lord let Satan take control of him, he let him do anything he wanted with him. He just said that he could not kill Job himself. So Satan destroyed his family, his children, his animals, basically his whole life. And Job and his friends tried to figure out why he was going through such hell. His friends had decided that Job must have done something wrong, and so he was being punished for it.

But that was not the case at all! Job had actually been faithful to God, so this brings me to this point: suffering = God is mad at you is not always true. Sometimes, we do suffer because we sin, but not always. The story of Job also brings me to another point: Job had not done anything wrong, it was some circumstance completely out of his control that brought him such suffering. Again, it’s not always our fault. We should never beat ourselves up for things that are not even our fault.

Sometimes God puts us through trials and difficulties to test us and see how faithful we are; sometimes he does it to get our attention and allow us to come to the conclusion that life is much too difficult to handle by ourselves. He may give us a hard time so that we give up on trusting ourselves and instead, put our trust fully in Christ, who knows how to take complete care of us.

The weight of depression on my shoulders is lifted a little when I realize that it does not always mean that I am guilty of anything. It’s important to realize this so that we can realize that God still loves us and that we are his children. He does want what is best for us, despite what he might put us through. If you always think you get depressed because you are guilty, you fall into a hopeless situation where you may give up on God because you think he does not love you anymore. He always, always, always loves us. Always.

Happiness?

I normally don’t feel happiness. I mean, I have fun, I do interesting things, but I never feel a real state of happiness. It just feels like fun here and there, and then, I begin to sink in an ocean of sorrow.

I’ve always been this way. Before I accepted Christ into my life, it was waaaay worse, though. I couldn’t enjoy anything in life at that time. Waking up was horrible. Being at school was horrible and I felt lonely. Planning things was horrible, hanging out wasn’t much fun, and fun things weren’t really fun at all. It’s as if this greyness kept getting thicker and thicker around me, causing me not to be able to see or breathe. It got so dark and so thick that I just suffocated to death.

After accepting him, all the grey fog didn’t just magically disappear. Yes, I felt more freedom, more capable of doing things, more competent. I felt love, more peace, and I certainly enjoyed things more. But still, something lacked- I still never really felt happiness. In all of my years, I can only remember glimpses of it, but never really seeing it; I can recall grabbing bits and pieces of it, but never fully holding it. It just seemed to always slip from me.

I don’t know if it was boys breaking my heart too much, feeling too left out, school being too stressful, family being too crazy. I believed in Christ but still felt overwhelmed and depressed. But then recently, I started focusing on doing the things I loved.

I had loved Christ for awhile, but I started letting that love transform my actions and the things I do. Whether through music or writing or giving or speaking, I just kept living more and more for him, dreaming I could change the world and saying it and feeling that from the bottom of my heart.

I payed more attention to myself, to my needs. I needed to connect more with people and build more friendships, and I have started focusing on that. I reward myself for the hard work I do, and I am more in tune to my desires.

Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, came this small, dynamic sensation, stirring in the pit of my heart. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t imagine it. Happiness. Through all the grey burst forth this feeling of immense joy and excitement. I kid you not! It sounds ridiculous, but that’s because it was ridiculous.

I was actually happy. It almost hurt because it was so strong and unbelievable. Like when the Grinch finally started being nice and stopped taking over Christmas, and his heart grew larger. It overwhelmed him, but it was a good thing!

Some people seem to walk around, happy all the time. But I was never one of those people. I just faked like I was to not seem like such a weirdo. I’m sure plenty of people fake it. But now, it’s not fake. It just grows and grows on the daily basis. I was terrified that it might just disappear, but it only grows stronger. I was worried it would go away when I got stressed out about school and work again, but it persisted even through that.

It’s so strange. But I firmly believe that my hope in Christ made this possible. Not instantaneous, it didn’t come as soon as I started trusting him, but possible. That’s all I needed. I was willing to put forth the effort and chase after it, he just made me believe it was possible, that I could actually have it. And that, my friends, has made all the difference.

Having that faith, even when things seem impossible. What’s impossible for us is not impossible for him.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

He will see you through the hardest of times. He will make a way out of no way. In a world overcome by poverty and need and remorse, we could use more hope such as this. If more people would put their hearts into it by trusting him and putting forth the effort, he certainly can make it happen.

*Poetry Corner- “Forever Etched in His Memory”

“There are people that believe a photo
Captures your soul
For them this is a terrible thing
For me, it’s one last chance”

A Softer World (asofterworld.com)

This quote really gives me chills. Everyone acts like it so horrible to submit to Jesus because they want to live their own lives, live their own dreams. They don’t want him to ‘capture their souls within photographs.’ But the reason why I submitted to him was becase I finally realized that if I don’t, and he doesn’t ‘save me in his photographs’, my soul will fade away, anyway. I don’t rescue it by resisting him; I merely aid in it’s quick fading away. I came to the realization that he truly was my one last chance.

It’s really just a metaphor. When I say “we need let him take our pictures, capture our souls within photographs,” I am merely saying that we need to trust him more than we trust ourselves.

(I don’t actually mean Jesus literally runs around, freaking people out, trying to take pictures of them. That would make for a very freaky and interesting day.)

When we trust ourselves to make it through this life on our own, we are trying to depend on our own strength, take care of our own souls. But only Jesus can really take care of our souls, if we let him. If we trust him to rescue us. If we let him lead us, let him be Lord and Savior. Admit to our faults and let him make us whole. His dreams for us our bigger than our dreams for us.

He ‘captures our souls in photos’, so we don’t waste our time, trying to lead ourselves, living a life that only leads to spiritual death. Leading a life that is incredibly unfulfilling, in the end. He allows us to live fulfilling lives through him, and then we make it to heaven, and this is how we live forever, ‘in his photographs.’

Forever Etched in His Memory

Soul evaporating
Days go by
The sun rises and sets
Grey enters the sky
I walk on daffodils in fairytales
But still I feel myself
Drifting away

Blue skys with yellow beams of light
Picturesque and bright
Melt into black
Not enough time to even look back
And I feel these final breaths of mine
Slipping away

Gripping a camera
In my hands
I can stand here
In a fading land
Or reserve what’s left of my fleeting soul
Putting delicate memories on hold
Frustration, my tears, all of my laughs
Locked within this photograph
I have the key to put them away
What to choose?
One fleeting day
Or forever etched in a memory

My soul is growing cold
Lost in all the decadance
I’d like to linger around
Just one last chance, one last chance

When we have life
Without the footprints of Jesus in our hearts
We can’t shine forever
While our worlds grow dark
It’s just a fleeting day,
A fairytale world always fading gray
A final breath you try to hold on to
That keeps, somehow, slipping away

I choose
The Camera of God
Capture a fleeting soul
Forever etched in His memory

Now along the shore of my heart
I see my second chance:
The footprints of Jesus
Lie forever in the sand

copyright Jennifer Clayton

Don’t Talk the Talk, Walk the Walk!!

It breaks my heart to know that some people think that if they just believe in Jesus, just believe in God, they are doing enough. But it is not just enough to say you believe. When people doubt my faith in Christ, I don’t like to sit there and argue with them. I could argue about my faith all day, win an argument, but by my actions, show that I was lying and that my faith was false.

Like I could convince someone I was sweet and loving and giving, but never give a dime to anyone, never offer help to anyone who needed it, and just be incredibly selfish. Yeah, I won the argument, but that didn’t mean anything.

The same is true with faith in Christ. Anyone can discuss all day how good a Christian they are, but if they say that, and then never do anything to prove that their faith is as great as they claim it is, then as far as I am concerned, their faith is dead.

One thing I learned about being a true Christian, with a truly changed heart for Christ, is that if you love him and have really accepted him as Lord and Savior of your life, putting him first and putting yourself second, you will yearn to do things for him.

Like when you love your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend, you want to do whatever you can in your own power to make them as happy as possible. You want to buy them gifts and do what they say and shower them with love. Well, Christ is the same way. I know in my life, I love him with every ounce of love in me, and so I constantly desire to pray more, and help others more, and write more about him to affect more people, and to give money in his name, and to trust him, etc.

My actions show that I love him. I work, I go to church and tithe, I sing about him in my music, I draw him in my art, I write about him in my poetry. In doing everything I love to do, I try to make sure he is a part of it. Because I live to glorify him and make his name famous, not mine.

When people question my faith, I don’t argue because I don’t like to talk the talk, I like to walk the walk. By walking and walk, and doing what God tells me to do, people will see what I do and there will be no need to argue. They will see I am truly faithful to God and my faith will affect them in a positive way.

“If one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, ‘You have faith; I have deeds.’

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.” James 2:16-18

Faith without works is dead. If you truly believe the message of Christ, and do nothing, how will other people truly believe? Someone had to act to reach out to you, so you could be touched and changed in your heart by the message of the Gospel. They had to ignore doing other things they wanted to do and focus on doing what God wanted them to do, and that was to act on his behalf. And by acting, they introduced many people to Christ, and many people had their lives changed.

To say you believe in Jesus, and then not tell a soul about it or live the way he tells us to, means you are a deadbeat in the body of Christ. If I go out and preach and write more about the powerful turth of the Gospel, more people will change.

I feel like, if we don’t do anything for Christ through our actions, we are just a story in a book, we are just pictures on a page, flat and 2-dimensional. But by committing the words of God to our heart and letting that eventually transform into what we do and how we live, we are no longer a 2-dimensional story, but we are alive..

like instead of watching a movie on a flat screen, we become a live play on a stage, living a life devoted to Jesus on it. The difference between a movie and a play? A story in a book and real life? One is a lot more real, a lot more genuine, personal, reaches people a lot more effectively.

We shouldn’t let the world see us as hypocrites. We should practice what we preach, so when people say crap about us, it won’t be true. We, as the church, should sparkle and shine as the bride of Christ with no blemish, no defect. People should see us and not think we are a bunch of hypocrites and liars, but think, ‘wow, this is an amazing group of loving people with hearts for God, and I want to be a part of it’.

Practice what you preach! Commit the words of the Lord to your heart, and let that transform how you live your life. 🙂

What do I think Jesus wants his followers to do?

Pray; trust him; be obedient; listen to everything he says; love unconditionally, him and everyone else, with every ounce of love in our hearts.

Work hard in his name- meaning in everything we do, we should do it in the name of Christ. Commit to excellence for him, in everything we do, so people will see us and should be blown away with how awesome he is. He wants us to give, be selfless, be humble, be involved with our Christian family, inspring each other.

Always, always, always find ways to improve as a Christian, trust ourselves less and trust him more, never give up, never lose heart, depend on his strength to get us through literally anything and everything. Never get tired of working hard. Hold tight onto the faith. Show our faith is true through our actions!

I’ll admit, I don’t pray nearly enough, I get tired and don’t feel like doing it. I get sick of people from time to time, not feeling like showing them the love I am supposed to show them. But Christ has called us to action. So I will grow from my weakness, and let my actions prove my faith, not my words.

God bless, Jennifer

*Poetry Corner- “Wrapped Up in Chains”

Wrapped Up in Chains

So much pain,
I can’t feel
Anything at all
Lord, I did not give you half of my heart
I swore I’d give it all
And so I gave it all

Even with you Lord, I fall hard to the ground
And in chains, forever I’m bound
And I scream in the pain
But internally, I pace myself
And I constantly reflect on
The love in your heart
And even as I hurt, I’m okay
Your mercy, your power, your glory,
Hardwired in my brain,
Excuse me-
I mean, hardwired in my heart

And I stand in the flames
Wrapped up in your chains
And head strong, I move on
If I’m in pain, I’ll resist running away
As long as it brings glory to you
Will it make you happy?
Then I’ll fight my way through
Whether I live or die,
I’ll stand by your side
This world cannot shake the love
I have gained in you
Each bullet in my soul,
I’ll take it for you
At the end of the day
When I’m burning, sitting on the pain
I am running this race
And I will pace myself
So I can make it through
Forgetting myself,
I’m living this life for you

You sacrificed yourself for my freedom
And as a Christian, I cannot live without sacrifice
You were in pain so spiritually, I could survive
And to say following you is easy
Is nothing but a lie
But it’s certainly worth a try
And the preachers preach and they preach
But if they tell everyone this is easy
It is a lie
But I know the grace I’ve recieved
And so I will try
Running this race
Face to face with the pain,
Wearing your name
By carrying chains

But I won’t fall over dead in my heart
This pain is nothing compared to the
Freedom you’ve given me
And I will pace myself
Until I pass the finish line
And I can look you in the eyes
Be by your side
In Heaven

And you laid down your life for mine
As a Christian, I can’t live without self-sacrifice
I’ll see you in heaven when I cross the finish line
Because you are well worth the race, worth the fight

—————————

copyright Jennifer Clayton

I wanted to write a poem about how following Christ isn’t easy, but it is soooo worth the fight. The reward in heaven, the love, the strength.. freakin’ amazing. To be able to stand out in this world as something different, have self-respect, to live for something bigger than you.. to have a purpose, to know the direction you are going in life, to have something to ground you in the midst of all the craziness, to have a relationship when you are lonely… nice.

But it’s not easy. It’s hard work, sacrificing the things I want to live for Christ. I have to lay down my desires and pick up his desires. Carry my cross. But I truly don’t mind. It’s nothing compared to the hell I used to live in before him. Being in pain for him doesn’t hurt nearly as much as having fun without him.. seriously! We have to learn to let him lead us. It is hard, since we are such individualistic people, who want to be independent and go after our goals and make ourselves bigger. But everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss…

Faith, *Poetry Corner- “Despite a Circumstance”

Despite a Circumstance

Sometimes I look out my window
And I still cry
For the times that I’m alone
I still ache and sting and burn
Like touching a stove
For the love in my heart has been neglected
Seems that no ones wants to share in its beauty
And I lay my head down on my pillow and cry

And each salty tear runs down my cheek
And I just want to close my eyes
And cease to exist
But what’s the point of thinking that?
I still love being alive
Despite
Not having a boyfriend, not being married
I still love being alive
Even when my sister gives me hell
I still love being alive
When I stop feeling God so near
Somewhere, deep inside, I still know he’s here
I still like smiling
Despite the million times I’ve cried
I still like living
Despite the million times I’ve died
I still like dreaming
Despite the million times I’ve been forced
Into a harsh reality
I still love who I am
Despite what people think of me

And I know that even God in heaven
Looks at my tears
And sees the hope I have of tomorrow
The hope he has given me
Because when I am alone, staring out my window
Or head burried down in my pillow
I feel beautiful from the
Inside out
Because God lets me feel more
Beauty than I have pain
And what is a friend
Who would let me feel sorrow in vain?
He is a fountain of love
I drink from again and again
And again

——————-

Somedays I roll out of bed and feel like I could just die. I don’t know why my life is made like this. Why sometimes, I am the happiest person in the world, and other times, I just don’t know what to do with myself except rot in a corner. Sometimes I feel so elated, sometimes, I feel so down I dream of cutting myself… but I know Christ is near because when I think those thoughts, he pushes them away and refuses to let me think them. So some inspiration:

“But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction.” Job 36:15

“Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. The arrogant mock me without restraint, but I do not turn from your law.” Psalm 119:49-51

“He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.'” Mark 5:34

Somedays, I wake up thinking this has got to be the last day I can stomach, I can’t have any more hope in this pathetic life. But it is amazing how just a little light outshines all the darkness. Just by holding on one more day, and continuing this pattern day after day, I see myself getting better, being happier, feeling like a more whole person.

Sometimes, it seems like life is ripped from right underneath me and all I want to do is die in peace. But I have always had an eternal flame of light in my heart, outshining all my bitter darkness, that keeps me pressing hard into tomorrow. I know it will be okay, even if it’s not.

With Christ, I get to live above my circumstances. I can be treated harshly, yelled at, cursed at, hate everything about this world, and still feel a sense of peace in my spirit. It is the peace of Jesus himself, for he is the Prince of Peace. There is nothing like finding peace in the most difficult of places. And that is why I trust in him- because I hunger, just like everyone else- for that peace.

Let go of your worries, breathe, and trust in him.

What’s the Point of Christ?

This blog is mainly about Jesus. Clearly. Hence the name. But why? Why do I decide to put such an emphasis on him? Well, as he says in the bible:

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

Basically, he’s saying that no one can get to heaven and be with God the Father except for by believing in him. They have to have faith in him, believing that he died on the cross to pay for all our sins once and for all, and that he rose from the grave 3 days later.

They have to acknowledge that they are sinful and can be forgiven by Jesus, if they ask for it. They need to proclaim it with their hearts and their mouths that Jesus is Lord:

“That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” Romans 10:8-10

Remember it is about a change in the heart. A prayer alone cannot save you, but only if you truly believe in your heart will you be saved. But if you do this, you will be saved. You must take the leap of faith and begin to trust Jesus. Trust that he will catch you when you fall, when you make mistakes.

Some people act like there are many ways to get to God, but I only know one. Through Christ himself. We were separated from God because of our sins, because of what Adam and Eve had did in the garden, that lead to the downfall of everyone.

And because God is just and perfect and we are not because of sin, we truly deserve only to go to hell. But by God sending his only son, Jesus Christ, to the world, he gave us a chance to get to heaven.

Christ lived a perfect life, obeying all of God’s laws, and then he was crucified, carrying all our sins with him to the cross, and he died a perfect death. His rising three days later showed that he had defeated death, and thus, defeated sin in us.

This means by believing in Jesus, he forgives our sins, and our slate is whiped clean, and because Jesus gives us a clean slate, we are allowed to get into heaven. But we have to believe in our hearts that he died for us and rescued us from our sinful selves.

“Because of his love, God had already decided to make us his own children through Jesus Christ. That was what he wanted and what pleased him, and it brings praise to God because of his wonderful grace. God gave that grace to us freely, in Christ, the One he loves. In Christ we are set free by the blood of his death, and so we have forgiveness of sins. How rich is God’s grace,” Ephesians 1:5-7

He became our sacrifice to God, so we can get into heaven. And my life was jacked up before I knew him. Everything was going south, nothing made sense. I literally have never felt so much peace than when I am in Christ as opposed to being in the world. Millions of dollars could not match the peace I have found. I would choose to die for him on the spot than to have a materialistic life without him.

He healed my broken heart and satisfied me. He gave me peace in the place of ceasless worry. He was a friend, holding out a hand to help lift me up, as opposed to people in the world who conversely only ever pushed me down. He did not care about all the crap I did, he just wanted to love me, so he did. And I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for that, for a friend like him.

“You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your care you watched over my life.” Job 10:12

But there is only one way to get to God, through Christ alone. Any other way won’t get you into heaven. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the facts. Anyone could try to argue this, but I will never argue with the peace I have found and the loving relationship I have gained in the name of Christ.

That, my friends, is what this blog is all about. 🙂

Reflecting On My Walk with Jesus

I feel like I am pretty much always in a good place with Jesus. No matter what I am going through, no matter the circumstances. I feel like I trust him in the good times and the bad.

Not too long ago, I went through some very difficult trials when it comes to my faith, falling madly in love with the wrong person, feeling isolated, going to a school I couldn’t stand because there was too much work, going to a church were I constantly felt like I didn’t belong; like I was worthless.

Now, I am no longer in love with that man and I have decided to stay pure until marriage, buying myself a purity ring. I spend much more time with new and old friends, I go to a college, AU, that has been a huge relief in comparisson to high school. I go to a church that better suits my heart and allows me to grow much more spiritually. I have a great job, have been achieving my dreams, and feel close to Jesus.

I trust Jesus a heck of a lot. But because of all the previous pain I was in, it has gotten a bit more difficult to trust him in certain areas of my life. For example, he may remind me that he will be there for me, but because of that old pain, I sometimes have a raging fear that he is lying.

But there are improvements in my walk with Christ. I feel more connected to the church and his heart than I’ve ever felt before. I know he’s with me, even though I once felt super-isolated from him. I feel him chaning my heart, and in my heart, he feels like a real friend. He heals emotional pain, he won’t let me think abusive thoughts about myself, he won’t let me feel worthless, like I used to feel a lot. He won’t let me (I’m not trying to sound nasty, but I’m being as honest as I possibly can) masturbate or touch myself. Every time I start to try, he gets rid of the lustful, sinful feelings. I feel more love from him than I’ve ever felt before.

So I’m doing okay. Sometimes, he’ll try to help me with something, and I’ll remember all that pain I was in awhile ago, and I’ll push away from him a little in my heart. Then I get close to him again, I make myself trust him.

Basically, I’m healing and growing a lot. I won’t say I don’t reach some painful areas in my life, because sometimes I’ll start crying a lot when I feel isolated and unwanted, but this is by far the best year I’ve ever had in my life. I am more fulfilled spiritually and emotionally than I’ve ever been before. My dreams have been acheived.

My main problem in life seems to be that I always feel like I am so ready to fall in love with someone. So it hurts to be alone, I might cry when I see couples together. But truly, my heart feels safe in the eternal comfort of Jesus’s love. I am constantly trying to improve my relationship with him and with those around me that I love. 🙂

These are some good verses to look at when you are feeling down and you need Christ in your life:

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:6-9

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.” Psalm 27:10

Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces

“Find Beauty in Negative Spaces” is a CD by the band Seether. I actually have this CD. But I am using the name to show how Jesus “finds beauty in negative spaces” when it comes to us.

God can make me feel so beautiful at any given moment. Even in the midst of a horrible day, where I just wanna cry and go to sleep. Even when someone is a total jerk to me and makes me feel useless. Even when I feel unloved, and like I’m in desperate need of someone to make me feel special.

I get so vulnerable, but he always covers up the pain with peace. I like to block out the world from time to time and only think about him. Many people don’t know this, but he truly can heal like no one else can heal. All I really had to do was put more and more trust in him, and the more I trust him, the more I feel him taking care of me.

 

I drew this picture of a girl. I didn’t sit there and think “I’m going to draw a girl in a white dress, blood, wings” I simply thought, “let me draw out the worse pain I feel in my heart at this moment”

And this is what came out. I was just drawing until I felt better. And I feel a million times better. I am so fascinated that in all the pain I’m in, that makes me want to cry, I can find such great beauty in a work like this. My heart feels so liberated. x3

But I know this is the work of God. Whenever I feel pain, I never let it keep me down becasue I simply know this: Christ is bigger than this, stronger than this. He said “I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble. But be brave! I have defeated the world!” John 16:33 ERVSo he has already overcome the world, he has already faced all my demons for me and won all my battles.

Basically, with Jesus, he helps make everything ugly that I feel seem more beautiful. Any time I feel worthless, he lets me feel love. It spreads through all of my heart and he shows me the beauty in me. For example, I might think my face, my body, my personality, and my life is ugly and stupid. So metaphorically, I look at my heart and see a bunch of ‘dirt’. A bunch of ugliness. Jesus says I am beautiful throughout, and so he finds my ‘diamonds in the dirt’. He takes anything I think is ugly and makes me see that it’s beautiful.

Girls shouldn’t let boys abuse them. And really, no one should let anyone abuse them. Friends shouldn’t let friends abuse them- and a real friend won’t abuse you. When you let people abuse you, a lot of times, you gain a sense of worthlessness. It feels very real and very much like the sky in your world is black- that you are not important. But it’s not true!!! These people look at themselves and only see dirt; they see themselves as not important or beautiful. However, Christ looks at them and always sees diamonds in the dirt, he always see beautiful things that are hidden to us. Don’t let people get in your heads or your heart and let them cut you down, telling you you are nobody.

Christ always thinks you are somebody. Someone to be loved and cherished and made to feel special. He is our father, and he sees his daughters as priceless and more beautiful than diamonds and more valuable than gold. He loves us and wants us to have good influences in our lives- good parents, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends. Christ thinks his sons are handsome and priceless, also.

Why should we settle for less? Do we deserve to feel less than we are, that we are just dirt, containing no diamonds? Heck no!!

I struggle with emotional abuse. No one physically hurts me, but people will tell me I’m not worht anything. In the back of my mind, I know I am incredibly valuable, but it doesn’t mean that insults don’t hurt. I was talking with my friend, and we both agreed that we can’t handle a bunch of meanness from total strangers- when people only know one thing about us, and based off that, they judge us and call us bad people for one little thing we do.

Some people truly make you feel like you could die. But Jesus wants to wrap up us in so much love that we never feel such pain again. We are important to him. He doesn’t see a moron who can’t do anything right, someone who is totally useless or someone who doesn’t deserve to be alive.

He sees us as his precious, priceless, hurting children that he wants to heal. He sees the tears we cry; he wants to wipe those tears. He sees the battles we fight; he says call on him for help and we will learn that he has already fought and won these battles for us. He sees that we grow weak; we have strength in him. He is an unfaltering love, an unending hope, like eternal sunlight.

I pray that he shields us when we get abused and torn down. He sees we should have security and peace in him because there are so many people who will hate us in this world and he wants nothing more than to protect us from that. Sometimes I see images of people hitting me, yelling at me, cutting me open, because they abuse me so much. Sometimes, I see boys making me feel ugly and ripping off my wedding dress because I feel like I don’t deserve to be married. But none of this is true!!

The same way parents look at their newborn baby as beautiful and breathtaking, heart breaking, wonderful, Jesus looks at his children (US!) the same way. Except he sees infinite more beauty than we could ever see in a baby. He loves us much, much more than we could ever love ourselves.

Jeus died for us on the cross because even though we can be sinful, cold, cruel, selfish people, he sees past all that and sees the beauty in us. He loves us and is always “finding beauty in negative spaces”.

The picture I drew was about all the raw ugliness and grossness I feel, how I felt being treated like shit. But despite showing all the ugliness I feel, one can see the beauty in my heart because of how beautiful the piece of art turned out. It was about disaster but was breath taking and heartbreakingly beautiful. We see the ugliness and he sees the beauty. I know my self-esteem may suffer because of people, but I have learned to differentiate what is true and what’s fake. His love his true and cruelty from bullies is fake; don’t believe them.

This is why he is the best friend I’ve ever known. He knows howo to heal me, how to love me, how to help me “find beauty in negative spaces”. A genuine and heartfelt friend can always see beauty in you, even when we fail to see it in ourselves. Christ is a great friend. Trust in his compassionate and loyal heart.

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