Posts Tagged ‘growth’

Reflecting on Lacey

I know Jesus thinks I’m very special; I know I am very dear to me. Lacey is very inspiring and she helps a lot of people with her music, she helps their hearts to heal by telling them about Jesus. It’s beautiful, but to me, it’s also sad. That stuff is not the sad part.

I feel in love with this man who was married, and he really broke my heart. It was a very painful thing; I couldn’t even go to my old church anymore because of the pain he caused, and I always saw him at church. I didn’t start much drama, I pretty much just left. I prayed to God to take away the pain, but he didn’t. Sometimes we want him to help us and he doesn’t at that moment in time- however, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love us.

Anyway. I would cry all the time and try to do things to get him off my mind- exercise, pray, read the bible, get out the house- anything. But the pain wouldn’t just go away. Soon after, a friend told me Lacey was married. The story of how it happened- she said she trusted God and he said he’d find her a husband- it breaks my heart. I know my heart is in the right place because I have always trusted God. I just never understood how he can sometimes ignore some peoples pain and not ignore others. So my heart was broken again because of this story.

Don’t get me wrong- I am super happy for her, but that just totally killed my spirit. It made my emotions worse and I felt like I couldn’t listen to Flyleaf’s music for awhile anymore- because their is so much pain where I felt so much love.

However, I don’t plan on giving them up. Despite this complicated, hected, crazy freakin’ mess I’m in, they are one of my favorite bands; they love Jesus to death, and so do I, and I can’t ignore them because of this. I feel like this is just a trial of life; it’s not totally the end. It’s never totally the end, so I never give up hope.

I still dream of playing music, singing, being on stage, spreading Jesus’s message- but this is just an obsticale. A little block in my path. But I know that I will move on. I know I will be married one day with kids and a husband and friends. Just writing this- it is very painful, but very healing- it gets my feelings out and I feel much, much better.

I won’t trash them. They have incredibly good music and really good hearts. I mainly wrote this post because the majority of my people who visit are Flyleaf fans, so I thought they should see some.. Flyleaf stuff, lol. This thing happening to me has been going on for a few months.. but even though I didn’t feel Jesus with me at first, I feel him with me now. It’s quite amazing actually; where I used to abuse myself for how bad I felt, now that he’s right here with me, he won’t let me abuse myself. He won’t let me think bad things about my future marriage and won’t let me think hurtful thoughts. The man who broke my heart- Jesus has really taken away that pain. I don’t even love that man anymore; don’t want his family, I’m not mad at his wife.

Jesus is really making life bearable right now. Even though he wasn’t healing me when my pain first started, he is definately healing me now, and that’s why I never give up hope in him. Every time I feel like crying because of Lacey or every time I actually cry, I feel him right by my side. He’s trying so hard to let me know I am special and beautiful and I will feel joy like she felt. I’m not worthless, never been. I feel more and more beautiful everyday for being just who I am.

I haven’t drawn pictures of the band for awhile because of this painful circumstance, but I’m sure I will again. They are just too good to give up. Anybody feel that way? I listened to them before I got saved and they carried me through the healing process while I was saved and Jesus was changing me- and I’ve loved them since.

But I’m praying God will take care of me. God bless you all, and even though they’ve hurt me right now- may they help you in your many trials in life. They’re amazing, God’s amazing. And heck, after writing this, I feel amazing. 🙂

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