I feel like I am pretty much always in a good place with Jesus. No matter what I am going through, no matter the circumstances. I feel like I trust him in the good times and the bad.
Not too long ago, I went through some very difficult trials when it comes to my faith, falling madly in love with the wrong person, feeling isolated, going to a school I couldn’t stand because there was too much work, going to a church were I constantly felt like I didn’t belong; like I was worthless.
Now, I am no longer in love with that man and I have decided to stay pure until marriage, buying myself a purity ring. I spend much more time with new and old friends, I go to a college, AU, that has been a huge relief in comparisson to high school. I go to a church that better suits my heart and allows me to grow much more spiritually. I have a great job, have been achieving my dreams, and feel close to Jesus.
I trust Jesus a heck of a lot. But because of all the previous pain I was in, it has gotten a bit more difficult to trust him in certain areas of my life. For example, he may remind me that he will be there for me, but because of that old pain, I sometimes have a raging fear that he is lying.
But there are improvements in my walk with Christ. I feel more connected to the church and his heart than I’ve ever felt before. I know he’s with me, even though I once felt super-isolated from him. I feel him chaning my heart, and in my heart, he feels like a real friend. He heals emotional pain, he won’t let me think abusive thoughts about myself, he won’t let me feel worthless, like I used to feel a lot. He won’t let me (I’m not trying to sound nasty, but I’m being as honest as I possibly can) masturbate or touch myself. Every time I start to try, he gets rid of the lustful, sinful feelings. I feel more love from him than I’ve ever felt before.
So I’m doing okay. Sometimes, he’ll try to help me with something, and I’ll remember all that pain I was in awhile ago, and I’ll push away from him a little in my heart. Then I get close to him again, I make myself trust him.
Basically, I’m healing and growing a lot. I won’t say I don’t reach some painful areas in my life, because sometimes I’ll start crying a lot when I feel isolated and unwanted, but this is by far the best year I’ve ever had in my life. I am more fulfilled spiritually and emotionally than I’ve ever been before. My dreams have been acheived.
My main problem in life seems to be that I always feel like I am so ready to fall in love with someone. So it hurts to be alone, I might cry when I see couples together. But truly, my heart feels safe in the eternal comfort of Jesus’s love. I am constantly trying to improve my relationship with him and with those around me that I love. 🙂
These are some good verses to look at when you are feeling down and you need Christ in your life:
“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:6-9
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.” Psalm 27:10