Posts Tagged ‘trust in Christ’

Faith, *Poetry Corner- “Despite a Circumstance”

Despite a Circumstance

Sometimes I look out my window
And I still cry
For the times that I’m alone
I still ache and sting and burn
Like touching a stove
For the love in my heart has been neglected
Seems that no ones wants to share in its beauty
And I lay my head down on my pillow and cry

And each salty tear runs down my cheek
And I just want to close my eyes
And cease to exist
But what’s the point of thinking that?
I still love being alive
Despite
Not having a boyfriend, not being married
I still love being alive
Even when my sister gives me hell
I still love being alive
When I stop feeling God so near
Somewhere, deep inside, I still know he’s here
I still like smiling
Despite the million times I’ve cried
I still like living
Despite the million times I’ve died
I still like dreaming
Despite the million times I’ve been forced
Into a harsh reality
I still love who I am
Despite what people think of me

And I know that even God in heaven
Looks at my tears
And sees the hope I have of tomorrow
The hope he has given me
Because when I am alone, staring out my window
Or head burried down in my pillow
I feel beautiful from the
Inside out
Because God lets me feel more
Beauty than I have pain
And what is a friend
Who would let me feel sorrow in vain?
He is a fountain of love
I drink from again and again
And again

——————-

Somedays I roll out of bed and feel like I could just die. I don’t know why my life is made like this. Why sometimes, I am the happiest person in the world, and other times, I just don’t know what to do with myself except rot in a corner. Sometimes I feel so elated, sometimes, I feel so down I dream of cutting myself… but I know Christ is near because when I think those thoughts, he pushes them away and refuses to let me think them. So some inspiration:

“But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction.” Job 36:15

“Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. The arrogant mock me without restraint, but I do not turn from your law.” Psalm 119:49-51

“He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.'” Mark 5:34

Somedays, I wake up thinking this has got to be the last day I can stomach, I can’t have any more hope in this pathetic life. But it is amazing how just a little light outshines all the darkness. Just by holding on one more day, and continuing this pattern day after day, I see myself getting better, being happier, feeling like a more whole person.

Sometimes, it seems like life is ripped from right underneath me and all I want to do is die in peace. But I have always had an eternal flame of light in my heart, outshining all my bitter darkness, that keeps me pressing hard into tomorrow. I know it will be okay, even if it’s not.

With Christ, I get to live above my circumstances. I can be treated harshly, yelled at, cursed at, hate everything about this world, and still feel a sense of peace in my spirit. It is the peace of Jesus himself, for he is the Prince of Peace. There is nothing like finding peace in the most difficult of places. And that is why I trust in him- because I hunger, just like everyone else- for that peace.

Let go of your worries, breathe, and trust in him.

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From Broken to Whole, Again

Before I met Christ, I would vent all my problems, pain, trash in my life through poetry. Any poison killing me, I would try to suck out the pain through poetry. It was always my ‘cure’ to my problems. I truly tried to use it as something to try to pull my life together, make my heart feel whole. It was so beautiful, but so sad. It almost never worked in healing me.

I would write but more pain would just build up. I had no way out. The more I wrote to try to hold my heart together, the more my heart shattered into thousands of pieces. I had tons of dreams in life, but if I could never make my heart feel whole, I would never have the strength to go out and achieve them. So one day I completely cracked. All of the heart breaking one day just caused my who heart to be ruined; there was nothing left to break.

I felt like I was going insane and like I was about to die. My heart was gone. The weight of responsibilites adn people and the world just killed it completely. I felt like I lost hope in life, lost meaning; in a sense, lost touch with reality.Felt like I was in a hole I could never get out of, like all there was to live in was eternal blackness.

But then my mom saw me struggling, and showed me this video about God.

And I broke down in my heart and told Jesus over and over again that I trusted him. I had no choice. And literally moments after that, I could feel a small change. The blood from my heart that splattered all over my winow of life, causing me to not see through it and to hurt- Jesus wiped away the blood and started bandaging my heart.

He took away the utter dependency of writing poetry; he let me rest in his heart and his strength and his mercy so I depended on him. He corrected the damage done in 3 years in a matter of a few months. And I’ve never been more free.

Now I can focus on my dreams, and I actually achieve them. For example, this year, I had 9 New Years Resolutions. I made them right at the beginning of 2010. Now bear in mind, the vast majority of people don’t achieve many, or any of their New Years Resolutions at all. But because my obsessive writing habit was not taking over my life and my heart was finally not in a million pieces, I had the strength to make my New Years Resolutions come true, which means everything to me.

The 9 were:

1. Get a job and keep it for at least 3 months.
2. Learn to play and sing 10 songs on the piano
3. Learn to play and sing 10 songs the guitar
4. Finish the bible
5. Draw 15 pictures
6. Get a boyfriend
7. Heal emotionally
8. Write and be able to play and sing 1 song by me
9. Keep my ‘Atypical Jesus’ blog up and running

And it is october. Want to know what I have accomplished?

1. Got a job at Chick-fil-A, been there 8 months, never plan on quitting. Love the people there, love the atmosphere, and love the food. I am confident there and incredibly happy. Now I tithe regularly.

2. I’ve learned to play 10 songs on the piano, and I can sing the songs and play them fairly well. I learned:
1. Another Town by Regina Spektor
2. Baobabs by Regina Spektor
3. Mary Anne by Regina Spektor
4. My Immortal by Evanescence
5. Glitter in the Air by Pink
6. Reaching Towards the Sky by Me
7. The Candle’s Flame by Me
8. Dare Myself to Dream by Me, for my friend Taylor Hurray
9. Across the Universe by the Beatles
10. Act Naturally by the Beatles
Only one of those songs is not completely done, but the others are. =)

3. I did the songs on piano in the first part of the year, and I stared the ones on the guitar about half way through the year. I’m learning 5 on accoustic and 5 on electric. I got my electric guitar by working at Chick-fil-A; in fact, that’s the biggest reason I got the job. Accoustic:
1. Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T’s
2. I’ll Follow You into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie
3. Let That be Enough by Switchfoot
4. Mile After Mile by Me
5. A song about God I’m working on, Lol
Electric:
6. Scars by Me
7. Somebody, Someone by Korn
And I plan on learning 3 more Korn songs on guitar. I’m getting so close to getting done. Guitar is much harder than piano in a lot of ways for me, but I’m pushing through the struggle.

4. I just recently finished the bible. Read it book by book. It took awhile, but I finally got done, from cover to cover.

5. I have completed 13 pictures:
1. Naruto: Sakura, Sasuke for a friend
2. Hayley from Paramore
3. Picture for My dad
4. Regina Spektor
5. Fefe Dobson
6. Jesus!! Yeah!
7. My Mom’s book Cover, ‘Joy and Paine’
8. Fantasy Girl
9. Welcome to the Yard of Graves
10. My Mom and Stepdad Wedding Day
11. Tamogatchi Animation- still working on
12. Self-portrait
13. Sad Girl- not on internet yet
14. Jesus Crucifixion- still working on it

I am in the process of drawing Jesus dying on the cross, bleeding out. It’s incredibly painful, incredibly beautiful. I find myself having to stop while drawing because it hurst so much. But I have to finish it and have one more picture after that, and I’m done with this resolution! These pictures usually take anywhere from 5 to 15 hours to draw.

6. I was working on getting a boyfriend, meeting guys and hanging out and getting numbers and stuff (LOL! =P), but Christ told me to let go of that resolution. He encouraged me to get a purity ring, which, I did and I’m still wearing. He pushes me away from a bunch of flirting. I know he has the perfect guy planned for me. So I gave up the boyfriend dream and just trust in him. He takes away the loneliness, even without a bf. So basically, I just kind of changed that resolution to being more socially active. And I have, keeping up with twitter, facebook, this blog, hangin out, going places, etc. I made this resolution because I’m very inclined to solitude, for some reason. So I’m breaking out of my shell.

7. I heal emotionally because Christ is actually healing my heart and I constantly feel him loving me and taking away the pain. Exercise and doing things I love, hanging out with friends, acheiving goals has helped me heal. I’ve already gotten over the man who broke my heart, which is a huge step for me! =) I’ve done Tai Chi to heal myself, also.

8. I wrote one song for my friend Taylor Hurray, who has a recording contract with Sony. Besides that song, I’ve written for songs for Jesus, because I’ve always wanted to write worship songs.

9. This resolution is basically achieved because I’ve kept this blog up and very active. I’ve started posting every other day and I’ve gotten 1,400 views.

So I’m either done or very close to achieving everything. The point of writng all my success after I got over failure is to say I did it with the power of Christ in my life.

Bare in mind that I’m not saying that the moment you believe in Christ, all your dreams comes true. In fact, right after my heart was healed when he saved me, it got broken a million times before all this happened. I fell into a little depression, cried a lot, go my heart broken, even was a little bit abused. The point is, the opportunity for success incread waaaay more after accepting Christ.

So before I was saved, I was not strong enough in my own heart to achieve my dreams. After I accepted him, it gave me strength and more passion to achieve my dreams. With Christ, you suffer and fight hard, but at the same time, by persevering in these hard times, he will bless you richly. It’s not always the same way I have been blessed. But you are guaranteed to get blessed. I had faith in him and worked very hard and diligently to achieve these goals. He made achieving them twice as easy.

So with Christ, truly anything is possible. Have faith and trust him no matter what!! 🙂 Love you all,

Jennifer Clayton xox

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