Posts Tagged ‘Jennifer Clayton’

New Song- “I Keep Dreaming”

On my knees
I sing a song
The words are right
But the feeling’s wrong
Another day
I’ve lost myself
But you reach in me
And break my shell

All these feelings
Echo of the wall
But you hear my screaming
Underneath it all
Your love grabs me
And knocks me down
You don’t speak now
But your presence is loud

Your heat burns
Through the feelings
It pierces me
And I start healing
Surrounding me
The warmth, it grows
Your perfect truth
Makes me explode

All these feelings
Echo of the wall
But you hear my screaming
Underneath it all
Your love grabs me
And knocks me down
You don’t speak now
But your presence is loud

This life is more than tying
Ugly truths together
With pretty lies
Stand with friends
In fears that we disguise
Wrap me in light
Expose the hurt inside
In all the darkness
Tell me what you find
Love divine moves across my mind
Makes me feel alive

Finally alive!
Finally alive!

Turn out the lights
And close my eyes
In the dark of night

On the edge of life
With drifting mind
And say goodnight

These are nightmares I keep dreaming
But you won’t let me keep sleeping
These are nightmares I keep dreaming
But you won’t let me keep sleeping

copyright Jennifer Clayton

Download- here
Youtube- here

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Poetry Book Update

I am still working diligently on my poetry book about Jesus. I am naming it ‘Atypical Jesus’, because he truly is unique and different from everyone. I have come to love how he stands in stark contrast to the rest of this fallen world.

It’s about my tragic wreck of a life before I met Christ, how I surrendered my life to him, and then it’s about my tragic wreck of a life with him. 😀 That is to say that all my problems don’t suddenly disappear because I start to live for him. It doesn’t magically turn perfect. But in significant ways, it becomes easier.

It may appear the same to some, but I assure you that it is drastically different. Why? Because there is a huge difference between my strength and the strength of God, and I begin to rely on his strength. Life is still very hard on me, but I can cope with it a lot better.

I have found purpose in the everyday things I do, there is meaning for every breath I ever take. I don’t feel like I am wondering aimlessly. I am living out my dreams through him, and it’s a wonderful, breathtaking journey. Surprising and full of heart break along with fulfillment.

There is a huge difference in my poetry before I accepted Christ and after. The poems after are much more heartfelt and overflowing with love.

Annnyway, I thought I’d post a poem that I was working on.

Beyond the Horizon

I still want to help the world
Still have that little girl’s heart
Been sleeping and dreaming for so long
Tearing actual realities apart

Running through fields of orchids
Sunlight and dreams like gold
All these years chasing fairy-tales
Too magical for any human to hold
Only angels could understand
Only their ethereal touch could know

Running mad and wild
To a glowing horizon
If I could reach that place dividing earth and sky
That all of my dreams lie on

Reach that stretch beyond space and time
The line where the world bends
Where everything is thrown into slow motion
And even my breath stops short and ends

If I could reach that shimmering horizon
I know I could taste eternity
Just beyond it lies my Savior
Always watching over me
Pouring love into my bones
Giving strength effortlessly
Whispering truths into my heart
Oxygen for my dreams to breathe
Beyond this place and faithless people
His spirit always rings

Beyond the golden horizon
Time stops and all is still
Except for a passionate Jesus
And his fiery will

The will to love and be loved
The will to sacrifice, to die
The will to stare down creeping death
To look him in the eyes
To challenge him, take him on
And come out on the other side
Still strong and alive
I long to reach my Savior
On the other side
Beyond the horizon
That place dividing earth and sky

copyright Jennifer Clayton

The book really is coming along. I plan to have it done by the end of this year, and hopefully published early next year, before I turn 20. It will help me a lot that my mom self-publishes her own books, which makes a bit of the work easier for me.

I am currently trying to take my old poems and piece them together in a story for my life before Christ, which is very time consuming and slightly monotonous. I am also trying to work on writing new poems for my life with Christ.

The new section is called “Untitled”. I draw a picture to indicate each new chapter.

Every time I start a poem,
I open up word pad,
it says ‘Untitled’ at the top.
But the page is empty.
Nothing old, all new,
White page, fresh start, brand new.

Blank pages
I have a new muse
I’m
Finding the words
I’m
Writing a new story
A new poem
A new song
Untitled.

Hope you like. More updates soon!

New Song- “Scars”

I love writing songs! Here is another I wrote, called ‘Scars’:

They told me my cuts were earned
My bruises mine alone, clearly deserved
I collapsed under the weight of it all
No strength to hold on to avoid the fall
On the ground I gasped for breath
But every one hurt more than all the rest
Under the moon
Burning and sore
I gave up my self
Told God I’d trust him more
And in the cold of the night
His voice soothed my tears
He held my hand
As He watched my tears

No one pays attention to the girl covered in scars
But that night, I saw a shining star
And I felt all the hope in His eyes
Telling me not to believe their lies
Floating in peace
Touched my bruised skin
To heal me

My pen to paper could not take away the pain
I would always vent in vain
Try to take away all thoughts disturbed
He told me there’s no need to trust
The hollow words

The peace I seed through poetry
Never existed
And he let me see
That he’s the peace in me
I’ll never wake up
From sleeping in his arms tonight
To the nightmare of this world
Very much alive

No one pays attention to the girl covered in scars
But that night, I saw a shining star
And I felt all the hope in His eyes
Telling me not to believe their lies
Floating in peace
Touched my bruised skin
To heal me

Broken heart and broken dreams
Ripped away a part of me
The need to write, the need to bleed
But He patches the broken wings
A need to burn
A need to hurt
A scarring from their brutal words
But through their screaming, all I heard
Was Him telling me I’m free
That he loves me

copyright Jennifer Clayton

I have a recorded version of the song! I will continue practicing it, so it sounds better and better when I sing it. I want it to eventually be perfect!

Click here to download and listen to it!

The world made me feel worthless. Trusting God made me feel whole, really, for the first time in my life. No one paid attention to all my scars except Him. Everyone just saw pass them, assuming I was okay.

But I wasn’t.

Poetry book, picture for chapter ‘My Regenerative Heart’

I have always wanted to write a book of poetry, and I am currently working on one. It was originally just going to be various poems that I wrote, about whatever I felt like. But life became more challenging and unbearable to live, and my poetry got crazier. I got to the point where I was completely desperate, and I finally just trusted God with my life instead of myself. So the poems will start off with all the bad stuff, and then reveal my radical transformation through living for Christ.

I kept trying to think of what the name of it might be, but I think I will just name it ‘Atypical Jesus’. This is because it does talk about him being atypical and different from the normal, and all the effects he has had on my life. It’s already the name of the blog, and since it already has some steam behind it, I will keep using it. No point in really starting over, I guess I am coining the term, lol.

‘Regenerative Heart’ is the title of a chapter. This chapter talks about the new way I look at the world, and how God has had a major effect on my beliefs. I look at marriage/relationships differently, money/jobs differently, friendships differently, priorities differently, etc. Jesus gives me my regenerative heart, which means like new life, basically.

I drew this picture on neondragonart.com. It took about 7 hours (not all in one sitting, though!). This is not the cover of the book, but just the picture for a chapter in the book. The cover will be insanely awesome.

I love being able to write stories and draw, and be able to incorporate the two. :3

Copyright Jennifer Clayton

I lovelovelove running hard after God, doing the best I can to share him with the world. He is my best friend, my Lord, my Saviour.

*Poetry Corner- “Wrapped Up in Chains”

Wrapped Up in Chains

So much pain,
I can’t feel
Anything at all
Lord, I did not give you half of my heart
I swore I’d give it all
And so I gave it all

Even with you Lord, I fall hard to the ground
And in chains, forever I’m bound
And I scream in the pain
But internally, I pace myself
And I constantly reflect on
The love in your heart
And even as I hurt, I’m okay
Your mercy, your power, your glory,
Hardwired in my brain,
Excuse me-
I mean, hardwired in my heart

And I stand in the flames
Wrapped up in your chains
And head strong, I move on
If I’m in pain, I’ll resist running away
As long as it brings glory to you
Will it make you happy?
Then I’ll fight my way through
Whether I live or die,
I’ll stand by your side
This world cannot shake the love
I have gained in you
Each bullet in my soul,
I’ll take it for you
At the end of the day
When I’m burning, sitting on the pain
I am running this race
And I will pace myself
So I can make it through
Forgetting myself,
I’m living this life for you

You sacrificed yourself for my freedom
And as a Christian, I cannot live without sacrifice
You were in pain so spiritually, I could survive
And to say following you is easy
Is nothing but a lie
But it’s certainly worth a try
And the preachers preach and they preach
But if they tell everyone this is easy
It is a lie
But I know the grace I’ve recieved
And so I will try
Running this race
Face to face with the pain,
Wearing your name
By carrying chains

But I won’t fall over dead in my heart
This pain is nothing compared to the
Freedom you’ve given me
And I will pace myself
Until I pass the finish line
And I can look you in the eyes
Be by your side
In Heaven

And you laid down your life for mine
As a Christian, I can’t live without self-sacrifice
I’ll see you in heaven when I cross the finish line
Because you are well worth the race, worth the fight

—————————

copyright Jennifer Clayton

I wanted to write a poem about how following Christ isn’t easy, but it is soooo worth the fight. The reward in heaven, the love, the strength.. freakin’ amazing. To be able to stand out in this world as something different, have self-respect, to live for something bigger than you.. to have a purpose, to know the direction you are going in life, to have something to ground you in the midst of all the craziness, to have a relationship when you are lonely… nice.

But it’s not easy. It’s hard work, sacrificing the things I want to live for Christ. I have to lay down my desires and pick up his desires. Carry my cross. But I truly don’t mind. It’s nothing compared to the hell I used to live in before him. Being in pain for him doesn’t hurt nearly as much as having fun without him.. seriously! We have to learn to let him lead us. It is hard, since we are such individualistic people, who want to be independent and go after our goals and make ourselves bigger. But everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss…

Poetry Corner!! ‘Not Afraid’, ‘Mother Mary’

Not Afraid

In some place,
I played the victim
For the very last time
Yesterday, all I did was hide and cry
Afraid of the pain of today
Of a cruel world overwhelming with hate
Resistant to facing my fate
Underneath the weight of this world

Underneath a bloody sky
All I ever did was hide
And run around, far away from strangers
Deranged and
I finally settled down
Said a prayer
What do you know,
Now I understand all the anger I see
Building up inside buildings,
Behind walls, families
Worried, afraid, abused, uneasy

But it’s all because of Jesus
I can walk around in dangerous streets
And someone threaten to beat me up
And I’m not scared of a dang thing
I will stand, not afraid
I won’t flinch or run away
I’ve spent all my life running from the battle
Now I’m on the battle ground
Standing up for the savior I believe in
Standing up for the love I’ve found
I fell in love with Jesus
The day I realized
He died for me on the cross
I fell so far in love
That my poetic voice
Was simply at a loss
For words
Something so unheard of

Jesus loves me
The shepherd of the damned
It’s all because of Jesus
I’m not afraid of the world
I frickin’ embrace who I am

Mother Mary

Mother Mary
Look into the
Eyes of your baby
And in your own heart,
What do you see?

Mother Mary
Spend a day with me
Walk with me
And tell me
Your story

Your son, just a babe
Three wise men followed stars one day
To praise his holy name
Offering gifts
Even they recognize
Something special in his eyes
And you are with him all the time

So Mother Mary
Tell me your story
About the new found glory
Tell me,
How do you react to possessing everything?
Wrapped in the eternal blessing
As your bundle of joy is wrapped up
In your arms
Soft and warm
Calling for you
How do you feel, what do you say,
What do you do
Breath taken away
Day to day
Embrace the name
Of King Jesus

Mother Mary
Beautiful inside
Let me just take a look
Into your eyes
Soak up the miracle
Soak up the love I see
I’ll spend the day with you
You’ll spend the day with me
Telling me what it’s like to be
Mother Mary

Both poems copyright Jennifer Clayton. 🙂

Click here to Accept Christ!

The Healing Process, *Poem- Wilted Flower

A poem I wrote, just about healing, despite the pain of Lacey. I felt like crap, but I’m starting to heal.
I love writing poetry about healing.

Wilted Flower

Have you ever felt like a flower
Wilting and rotting
No nutrients in your soul
To help you grow
Where is the sunlight?
Sitting in darkness
Being crushed beneath the weight
But no one knows

But then there is the sound of rain
Pat, pat, patting on my head
And I feel so strong
Though I felt so dead
Broken heart and broken dreams
But I’ve learned to fly, despite broken wings
But I’ve learned to fight, despite growing weak
I’ve learned to smile, despite being taught to weep
In my dreams, I have a home somewhere
Somewhere in the garden, with the other beautiful flowers
No need to feel like a coward
And hide; I know I belong this time

I know I belong this time

——————
Just reflecting on my healing process. Read post below this to find out more. God bless you all. xxx Jennifer Clayton

Read more Flyleaf posts? Click here!

Poetry- Buried in the Dirt

I’ve been writing a lot of poetry for Jesus. It feels good to write how much I loooove him. =P I’m working on two books for him. One is a poetry book about how he has affected my life. The other is just my life and what makes me confident and the daily revelations I have. It’s supposed to inspire people, especially girls, and things in the bible that uplift my heart.

Well, here is a poem I wrote, for my inspiration book:

Buried in the Dirt

Kick dirt with my shoe
I pick up beautiful pieces of me
I find on the ground
Hidden by dirt
But I kick the dirt
And find the sparkling bits of truth

I cannot lie
My life agonizes every day
Over friendships and romance
And my God, I cannot count how many times
I’ve been hurt and stepped on
People punch, breaking pieces of my heart
And pieces of me get buried in dirt
Where I’m most often afraid
I’ll never find them again

But my savior Jesus takes my hand
And walks with me
Saying “look here and there”
And I’m reluctant to believe him
But when I kick up the dirt,
I see pieces of my heart,
My soul lying in the dirt
Sometimes I’m so afraid nothing will be there
If I look
That I close my eyes and cry
When he tells me where to look
But he kisses my cheek and wipes my tears
Taking my hand
And the shepherd leads one of his lost sheep
Calmly, gently, patiently,
To the spot I’m afraid to glance at
And he kisses my heart
And warms it where it’s cold
And he reaches down in the dirt
And picks up the sparkling piece of me

No, I don’t care what people say
He’s helped me pick up all the broken pieces
Of my heart
And put them together
I used to sit in the dirt alone
Thinking I’ll never be able to put myself
Back together again
Thinking I was eternally lost
But those days are gone

Jesus took my hand and loved my heart
Loved me just for who I am
And gave me enough hope to see
All the pieces of me were
Not lost forever
But simply buried beneath the dirt
That is
The weight of this broken world
———-
© Jennifer Clayton

I hope my books will really affect people. It’s a lot of work, but I think it’s worth it. My mom also writes book. Not Christian books, but like romance/suspense books. Her name is Debra Clayton, you can check her out here.

Purity Ring, Song- “Reaching Towards the Sky”

So. I’ve been wearing my purity ring for awhile now. Since June 26, 2010. I’ve decided to reward myself for every 3 months that I wear it. It’s been 1 month. Woohoo! It’s hard to think that I can do it sometimes, but after a few weeks of wearing it, I felt actually perfect in my heart. Like I deserve to wait, because I deserve the reward of having a special bond with my husband that most people won’t ever have- he’ll take my virginity.

Even if I mess up a few times before I’m married, it will only be a few times and the bond will still feel special, instead of other people who will have done it dozens and dozens of times before they get married. It takes away a specialness from it. I feel like doing this is perfect. Every girl should save herself for marriage, regardless of is she wears a ring or not.

The perfect guy is the one who is willing to wait. He won’t rush you or pressure you or say “show me you love me by having sex with me”. That’s a load of crap. The perfect guy will think you are well worth the wait, even if it’s a long time. Jesus wants everyone to wait ’til marriage, because it’s so much more special that way. 😀

Anyhoo, I write music.
My song “Reaching Towards the Sky” I wrote for Jesus, on keyboard.

I can’t put together
A million pieces to the puzzle
Of my heart
Up in the sky, there lies my star
Losing light, fading to dark
Fading into blackness
It’s hopeless,
The things of this world
Aren’t enough
To keep me alive
Give my star back it’s shine

Reaching towards the sky, reaching for your hand
Sometimes it’s worth just taking the chance
Heart racing, pumping my blood
Seeping through my veins is all of your love

In the midst of all the dark
You whisper to my heart
That after all the pain drains away
Your truth remains everyday
To give me strength, to make me calm
To lift me up whenever I fall
The love in your heart keeps me warm
Whenever I’m lost in the storm
When this life breaks me into pieces
One by one, you put me back together
Now I am yours to keep
Forever, Jesus

Reaching towards the sky, reaching for your hand
Sometimes it’s worth just taking the chance
Heart racing, pumping my blood
Seeping through my veins is all of your love

I feel me walking on broken glass
When I’m overwhelmed by trouble in this life
I won’t stop even when I’m bleeding
Because you heal me inside
I heard the atheist say
My fairy tale God wasn’t real
But until I met God one day
I’ve never been able to feel
This alive
I won’t apologize
For loving the one who has always loved me most
My star shines again, my pulse throbs with his hope

Reaching towards the sky, reaching for your hand
Sometimes it’s worth just taking the chance
Heart racing, pumping my blood
Seeping through my veins is all of your love